Red VS Blue
by TheSingularityFlux
Summary: During an unconventional Eridium experiment created by Dr. Patricia Tannis, something goes horribly wrong and the vault hunters find themselves in an astonishing parallel of Pandora where the Crimson Raiders are pitted against each other in a vicious civil war.
1. EPIC

Hey there, so I started this story **months** ago and eventually got into such bad writer's block with it that I couldn't finish it until now. The whole story is here. Hopefully it's still worth reading.

Disclaimer (So what is the point of having a disclaimer on a fan-fiction site? I mean, isn't it kind of cliche?"

 **Red VS Blue**

Prologue:

To say that Patricia Tannis had all of her marbles together in one bag would be like saying that green was yellow and the planets are actually enormous bowling balls. Suffice to say, the good archaeologist was not firing on all cylinders. On the other hand, perhaps she was firing on too many.

What was it that caused her to suffer such horrific effects when faced with social interaction? Why did blood gush from her nose like a faucet in reaction to greetings from another human being? Why did she feel sexual urges for inanimate objects such as ceiling chairs or washing machines? Anyways, this is already been established. More importantly, the question is why did Tannis believe it was a good idea to gather a large supply of Eridium, and then charge that Eridium to such extreme levels that it could put a good sized hole in Pandora's atmosphere? There was really no rhyme or reason to her, no method to her madness, just madness. There was one time that things really got out of hand and Tannis almost singlehandedly ended a war. This is what really happened.

Chapter 1: EPIC

"Hey, have you guys ever wondered what it would sound like if we could get Scooter to gulp some helium? He would be the first redneck chipmunk in history." Gaige said, musing aloud to herself from the comfort of the old sofa in the lounge room of Crimson Raider Headquarters, aboard the floating city of Sanctuary. Several months before he died, former vault hunter Roland had begun making extensive 'upgrades' and 'home improvements' to the establishment. Really, it was just more space to accommodate the nine permanent vault hunter residents, plus the archaeologist, Dr. Patricia Tannis and occasionally the traveling adventurer Michael Mamaril. Now instead of drafty bunk beds downstairs, the vault hunters shared little rooms along a hall upstairs. Behind the mission room was now a lounge, which included the couch mentioned beforehand, as well as various other pieces of furniture including several echo-devices for entertainment, and a mini-fridge since everyone was too lazy to go downstairs for food.

"Naw, it'd be better if Moxxi did it. She'd make one sexy chipmunk." Brick interjected from his position in a chair to the right of the widescreen echo-television.

"No, no, you guys are both wrong. Marcus would be hilarious. Just imagine his deep voice all high and squeaky: _"No refunds! Because I'm a stingy bastard!_ " This was Mordecai. He was nursing a beer with his feet up on an old footstool he had come into possession of through a distant relative.

"Your right that would be pretty funny," Gaige conceded. "But I still think Scooter would be funny too."

Mordecai yawned. "Brick you wanna change the channel? This show sucks."

"Naw, it doesn't."

"It's bad enough that even though I'm bored and a little drunk it's still no good."

Brick sighed and lumbered forward to press the button. "I wish we hadn't lost the remote."

Gaige hung over the edge of the sofa, her fiery pigtails brushing along the ground. "It's here somewhere." She peered under the couch but couldn't see anything except dust bunnies and crumbs. "Oh! Mordy I see that gumball you were looking for last week."

Mordecai yawned. "Sweet, I'll save it for later." He climbed slowly to his feet and stretched his skinny frame, empty bottle still in hand. "Shit, we are officially bored to tears here. I mean how long has it been since we went on any missions?"  
"Krieg and Maya are on one right now." Brick said. "Recon, I think."

"Yeah, recon; I could do reconnaissance in my sleep or completely wasted. No, I mean a _real_ mission. When was the last time we took a shot or two at Handsome Jack? Or blew up some of his damned loaders? Weeks at least, since the war got going again. Don't you guys miss that?"

Gaige smiled. "I miss vacation."  
"Don't get started on that again!" Brick groaned. "That's the last time I trust Lilith's relaxation plans."

"Psh, it wasn't that bad."

There were footsteps in the hall and Axton poked his head into the lounge. "Hey, you guys are gonna want to get to mission control pretty quick."

Brick looked up. "What's the word?"

"Something big, Lilith wants everyone there for a meeting."

"What about Krieg and Maya?"

"They just got back, and the others are already here." The commando disappeared into the hall.

Mordecai tossed his bottle towards the trash bin and missed by two feet. "Finally something, I hope it's good."

The three vault hunters turned off the echo-tube and filed out the door. They went down and turned into the mission room where everyone else was already gathered.

Lilith was standing behind the map graph with her arms crossed, pondering something. Salvador lounged by the doors to the balcony, digging at something between his teeth with a broad finger. Zero stood still in the corner and Gaige went to join him.

Maya and Krieg arrived last.

They were both dirty and tired to say the least. Maya was trying to fish some twigs out of her hair and Krieg was covered in what appeared to be dozens of bug bites. The poor psycho was furiously scratching his bare torso, only making it itch worse. Lilith eyed them with concern. "Did something happen on your patrol that I should know about?"

Maya blew a stray blue hair out of her face. "Well, not exactly. We had an unpleasant encounter with… a couple of beasts in heat."

"Say what? Oh we need details!" Gaige called eagerly.

Maya looked uncomfortable. "No, you guys really don't want to know."

"Oh boy, it's gotta be a good story," Salvador said, grinning. Everyone else leaned in expectantly.

"You guys are gross." Maya sighed, but then she said. "We were out by the windmill fields by where Fyrestone used to be and Krieg thought he saw something so we pulled over and got out of the runner…"

Krieg confirmed her story by grunting twice, still scratching.

"We could hear some really weird noises so we walked around this bend and, well, there they were."

"A couple of skags humping in broad daylight?" Mordecai chuckled. "Not really that out of the ordinary."

"Well, there was a skag."

"So it was trying to hump itself?" Brick suggested.

"No, there was also a rak…" Maya finished.

"Oh, damn." Brick made a crude expression. "How would that work exactly?"

Maya threw up her hands. "I do NOT want to talk about it."

"But why is Krieg covered in bug bites?" Lilith asked. "The poor guy is going crazy."

"On the way home we ran into a group of angry nomads and while we were fighting them, Krieg ran through this mud puddle and I guess it was full of mosquitoes, the really big kind. They found him to be delicious."

Krieg growled in despair. "Grrrh! My jerky skin is burning like hot vengeance!"

Maya patted his arm sympathetically. "Can we make this quick? I think I have a salve for him somewhere."

"I'll try, but this is important." Lilith said. "Everyone here is well aware of our war against Hyperion…"  
There were various nods and grunts of agreement.

"We are definitely NOT losing."

More grunts.

"But we're not really winning either."

Now everyone looked downright put out. "Wait a sec Lil, how are we not winning?" Axton argued.

"Yeah, last time we checked, Handsome Jack was about ready to pull his pretty boy hair out by its pretty boy roots because we busted a bunch of his tech." Brick added, crossing his arms in pride.

Gaige couldn't help but add. "Hell right we are! Ever since we pwned that Hyperion depot we've pretty much become bad-asses."

"Can I please finish what I was saying first?" Lilith asked, a little crossly. "I never said we weren't doing okay. But that's just it, we're only doing okay. Just because Sanctuary is not being blown out of the sky and loaders aren't ransacking the outposts doesn't mean we're winning. In fact, that's why I brought you all here. I've recently been made aware of a huge breakthrough for us that could potentially win the war in a single shot, literally. Where's Tannis?"

There were hurried footsteps coming up the stairs and everyone craned their necks to see who was approaching. A singsong voice drifted down the hall. "Did I hear someone mentioned skag/rak intercourse? Oh, I must have every detail! It's been too long since I did any research on mating habits in mammals!"

Maya smacked her forehead. "I shouldn't have said anything. _Of course not Lilith, we didn't see anything weird or creepy on our patrol…_ "

Enter, Dr. Patricia Tannis PhD in Archaeology. Yes she actually went to school for it. She seemed to be a rather good mood that day, although that could have just been because of her sudden neurotic interest in skag/rak intercourse. She was not even really a scientist. She marched into the Mission Room with a spring in her step and an echo-device in her hand. Tapping a few things into it, she surveyed the room, surprisingly unperturbed by the people in such close proximity to her. "So, which one of you was it that witnessed the act, hm?"

"Focus Tannis, focus," Lilith coaxed. "We've got more important things at hand."

Tannis shot her a dirty look but relented. "Apparently so; I have discovered a landmark in Eridium research that could be applied to your arsenal against Hyperion."  
"Like a weapon?" Axton asked. "Because I've collected just about as many slag guns as I can carry."

"Ha!" Tannis chirped. "Try to think bigger, commando. During my numerous expeditions concerning Eridium I have been able to discern many of its properties, chemical compounds and makeup; fascinating material!"

"I knew she would say that." Mordecai whispered to Brick.

"As you may already know, Eridium ore has some semblance of usage as a universal power source. The Eridians themselves used chunks of the element as a reusable and rechargeable ammunition source for their weaponry. But what I have discovered is that…" Tannis abruptly stopped speaking. Everyone waited expectantly, but she seemed to be a trance of some sort. Finally, Krieg – who was still itching, growled. "Pay the piper goggles girl and speak your mind trap!"

That seemed to snap Patricia out of whatever odd abstraction she was considering. "I…I was just trying to remember what the standard atomic weight is for Ununpentium/element 115. I believe it is 289 but I'm not sure now." Some of the vault hunters were trying to hide grins but Lilith just made a grimace.

"Tannis, can we stay on track here? I thought you were an archaeologist, not a chemist."

Tannis snorted. "If you must know, chemistry is one of my 'dirty pleasures'. I just go crazy for it!"

"Oh my god, the poor woman is hopeless." Axton grinned, trying not to laugh.

"Come on Tannis, we want to hear more about the weapon." Maya said stoically.

"As I was saying before you most rudely interrupted, I have discovered that Eridium can be heated to certain temperatures without causing it to melt down into slag. Instead it could be used to power a field gun with the capability to launch a shell far into Pandora's atmosphere."

If anyone had begun nodding off during her speech, they were paying close attention now.

"Whoa, that sounds cool." Salvador commented.

"Basically you're saying we can use Eridium to build a cannon that can shoot into the sky?" Axton asked incredulously.  
"And beyond! If the Eridium source is large enough," the archaeologist confirmed.

"You guys hear that?" Lilith said. "If we build this thing and it works. We can use it against Jack's greatest advantage over us. His moon base Helios."

"We could knock it right out of the sky, like skeet shooting a rak." Brick said, the excitement growing in his voice.

"No more moon base, no more loaders showing up all over the place." Mordecai mused. "Hyperion would lose big time, maybe even enough to get em to leave Pandora for good."

Axton was pacing across the floor, in deliberation. He scratched his chin. "So we'll just build us a huge ass gun and and shoot down Helios…it's pretty crazy, maybe just crazy enough to work. Doc, you really think you can help us do it?"

"Well I can't possibly see you Neanderthals succeeding without my proficiency so I am not faced with much of a choice."

"Then it's settled." Lilith confirmed. "Operation Kill Joy has now begun. We're gonna need a blueprint for this gun Tannis."

* * *

Therefore, Operation Kill Joy (often paraphrased to Operation Kill Jack) began. Sanctuary bustled with more activity than it had on National Skag Hunting Day when Mordecai was smashed and tried to go hunting wearing only his boots, thoroughly convinced clothes were a Hyperion conspiracy. Moxxi had concocted a special Hodunk brew that had done a few numbers on his brain and the brains of most of the town. By the end of the day, very little actual hunting was accomplished in favor of gratuitous public indecency and drunken boisterousness. Roland – who was then still alive - had seriously considered banning the holiday on grounds of city security.

Tannis had indeed concocted blueprints for the construction of what she called "Eridium-Powered-Infused-Cannon", EPIC for short. Gaige, being the self-titled mechanical prodigy that she was, would be physically building the gun. However, the design was so complex that even she was a little fuzzy on the inter workings that would be required to make it work.

There was only one other person in all of Sanctuary with the technical mind to actually build EPIC.

Leaning against the entrance of his garage, skinny arms crossed over his skinny chest. Scooter cocked a grease-smudged eyebrow at Lilith, Axton and Gaige. "Shiitttt, you want me tu'h build you a what?"

"A big-ass gun that will wipe out Handsome Jack and his corporation," Axton declared.

"A big-ass gun that'll fry Hyperion? Why didn't you say so sooner? Hell yeah I'll build it!" Scooter smacked his hip and whooped. "This is gonna be so cool man! Who's got the plans, cause' I can build you a chassis but I dunno shit about the slag parts."

"I do, so I will be present to explain to you how to install them." Tannis announced, appearing behind the vault hunters.

Scooter's grin disappeared. "Aw hell man, you didn't tell me Crazy Lady wuz gonna be here! I dunno if I can put up with her man. She's real ornery and stuff."

Axton sighed. "We know you guys don't get along Scooter, but you're the only other mechanic besides Gaige who we can trust."

"Yeah come on Scooter! This is gonna be the coolest build ever, I guarantee it!" Gaige put in. "If we do it, we'll be the ones who took down Handsome Jack which makes us awesome."

Scooter scratched his nose. "Well, I wu'd dearly like to see Hyperion smolder a bit."

Taking Axton's cue, Lilith said. "Who knows, maybe their build a statue in your honor somewhere."

Now Scooter's eyes were gleaming. "You, really think so? Like outa gold? Man that would be cool!" He wrung his hands. "I'd be like a hero and shit."

Axton and Lilith winked at each other. They had him. Tannis rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"So what do you say?" Axton said.

"I got this! You vault 'unters don't worry. I'll have it finished in no time!" Scooter disappeared into his shop and Gaige and Tannis followed him.

Lilith looked at Axton. "You don't think they'll blow the city up by accident do you?"

He patted her shoulder. "Think happy thoughts Lil."

* * *

In the end, EPIC ended up being too large to construct within Scooter's garage and a circular wooden partition was set up in Sanctuary's central hub, large enough for a construction site. It took about a week for everything to be finished.

Lilith dispatched most of the other vault hunters to various locations across Pandora to scout for Eridium deposits, or Hyperion convoys to exploit. They returned with several generous stockpiles, which Tannis deemed would be a sufficient amount according to her calculations. It was stockpiled behind the Crimson Raider HQ in a storage shed, which ended up behind a bad idea because Lilith could not keep away from it.

Eridium as everyone was aware could augment a siren's powers dramatically but it could also be addictive like ice cream, alcohol or porn. Lilith tended to be rather defensive about her little 'purple bar problem'.

"Face it Lil, you're an addict." Mordecai said candidly. He and she were standing by the door of the shed while the Eridium was being delivered. A long line of Crimson Raider soldiers were coming and going, dropping off bars and leaving to get more. Lilith was watching every one like a hawk.

"I am not!" She retorted. "I just have a little problem saying no...Are we really sure we need all of these?"

The hunter almost had to drag her away.

"I just want to hold one! So I can check and make sure it's good quality!"

"Let it go Lil,"

"Aw, my precious!"

The other vault hunters took turns keeping watch to make sure she did not try to slip into the shed and indulge when no one was looking. Lilith maintained complete innocence, complaining about the oppression she was suffering at the hands of her tyrant companions.

Tannis had been working madly all week; hardly stopping to eat (she ate like a sparrow with anorexia). She barely slept (possibly, because she was a vampire of some sort) and she drank excessive amounts of caffeinated beverages (I think caffeine messes with your brain; connection?). By the end of the week, she was more scatterbrained and harebrained than usual but enthusiastic about the progress being made. Her workstation in the front room of Raiders HQ was a mess. The tables were covered with everything from coffee mugs to research papers to dig tools and dirty clothes. To be honest, pretty much all of the daily duties to keep the place clean were dropped in favor of the project.

The citizens of Sanctuary were most curious to see what the assembly was for and to keep order Axton posted Brick, Maya, Krieg and Salvador outside the construction site to keeping the nosier ones at bay.

All week from inside the partition floated the sounds of ratchets, drills-Gaige yelping when she hit her thumb with a hammer, welding-the occasional curse from Scooter being burned by the torch, tweaking, refitting, and Tannis yelling about some split wires; you get the picture.

Finally, the noises ceased and the gate opened. Tannis emerged proudly and proclaimed. "It's finished!"

The whole of Sanctuary had gathered to watch a group of Crimson Raiders take down the partition walls and reveal what was behind. EPIC really was epic. It stood almost twenty feet tall. It was essentially a massive deck gun with a barrel that could rotate to fire at different angles.

Behind the cannon was another blocky apparatus covered with hatches for adding the Eridium power supply. Several large tubes and cables connected the two devices together to a targeting consol that beeped continuously.

The good citizens of Sanctuary were in awe and silent. The more intellectual began to clap and cheer and their duller friends eventually followed suit. Scooter and Gaige were standing under EPIC; their grinning faces streaked with grease. The vault hunters came forward to examine it.

"Wow, it's…big." Maya said tentatively.

Tannis sniffed. "Of course it is my minions slaved tirelessly on it." She eyed the crowd with apprehension "Where on earth did all those people come from?"

Axton chuckled. "Well we did build a huge cannon right in the middle of town."

"It gives them no right to ogle like vultures! Can we continue before I endure a seizure?"

Lilith eyed the device, "a giant artillery gun powered by Eridium. I'm starting to wonder if this was a bad idea."

"Don't be ridiculous, every system of this invention has been tested and retested by my subordinates." Tannis exclaimed. "There is no way anything can go wrong."

Scooter turned to Gaige. "Uh, whut does she mean…sub-whor-din-nats and stuff?"

Gaige rolled her her eyes. "She thinks we work for her. This was strictly freelance on my end."

"Well Tannis if you're sure this thing is ready; I don't see a reason to wait. Let's give Hyperion a taste." Axton said.

Not all of the vault hunters were completely convinced. Zero stood with his arms crossed, staring up warily at EPIC. He said nothing, but his body language was clear. Maya also seemed hesitant. Perhaps not having any connection to Eridium made her more cautious. Standing beside her, Krieg didn't seem to have any opinion. The others were more enthusiastic. Mordecai and Brick both had numerous reasons to want to blast Handsome Jack's handsome ass right out of the the heavens. Salvador? Well, his love of big guns was boundless.

"Indeed, I am actually looking forward to see what kind of catastrophic affect this will cause!" Tannis said excitedly. "It has already been loaded with an explosive shell."

She hurried to the control consol and began pressing buttons. There was a deep rumble beneath everyone's feet. All of Sanctuary seemed to be vibrating. The citizens looked around in suspicion.

"Maybe it was an earthquake?" One of them said.

"Naw you idiot, it was a hurricane to be sure." Another replied.

There was a group of Crimson Raiders waiting near EPIC. Gaige signaled for them to begin dumping Eridium bars into the furnace hatches. Heat emanated from within and as each bar went in, there was a hiss. They continued to deposit the Eridium until the last raider indicated there was no more left. Gaige closed the hatches and sealed them. Tannis was intently watching the screen before her, "Scooter, open valves 2B and 3M."

Scooter took an enormous pipe wrench and adjusted several fittings, causing EPIC to release some steam. The cables running to the main cannon began to pulsate. The vault hunters continued to look on in both anticipation and apprehension.

Tannis pressed some more buttons and with a shudder and clanking, EPIC's barrel began to move upward and sideways, moving on its rotating base. "Pull the inhibitors!" she ordered.

Gaige pulled. EPIC stopped moving and locked into place.

Away in the distant sky, fully visible in the afternoon light was Helios: the luminous H-shaped space station that was the hub of Hyperion's power in the Pandora System. Originally, it was not designed for offensive actions, until the incident involving the Lost Legion taking control of most of the station. Now, under Handsome Jack's devious management, it was a malevolent death star, capable of firing destructive shells called moon-shot rounds. It could also deploy hundreds of robotic loaders down to Pandora's surface to cause havoc and destruction wherever they went.

Bottom line, it needed to go.

Now that they saw what the purpose of the machine was, the populace began to cheer loudly. Tannis squeezed her eyes shut in irritation before popping them open again, forcing herself to ignore the noise. EPIC was almost ready to fire. She dialed in the last few calibrations and primers and turned to look triumphantly at the vault hunters. "Just a push of the firing key and it's off."

Axton grinned at Lilith. "Well this is it. Last chance to pull it out before it goes everywhere."

She sighed, "A sexual innuendo right before we win a war, really?"

"Come on Lil, this was your idea after all!" Mordecai called.

"Fine, fire the damn thing."

Tannis turned and pressed the firing key and there was a tremendous, earth-shattering- nothing.

At first, everyone thought the gun was still warming up, but when nothing continued to happen, everyone frowned in confusion.

Tannis pressed the fire button again, and then again. EPIC continued to huff and puff, but did not blow. She could feel everyone's eyes on her, waiting impatiently. Her heart rate started to increase and she felt perspiration about to break out on her forehead. The pressure was unbearable. How could she possibly not succeed in front of all these cretins? She would never hear the end of it. Patricia's mind worked desperately for a way out, an escape route. Just when she thought that she could take no more, EPIC fired. However, it did not launch an Eridium artillery shell at Helios.

Instead, EPIC exploded in a brilliant flash of purple. The detonation itself was tiny, but the shock wave of energy that followed expanded like a furious charging barrage and threatened to envelope the entire city.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MAN?" Scooter shouted. "IT'S LIKE'A HUGE TIDAL WAVE A' DEATH!"

The Eridium wave overcame the terrified fleeing townspeople who running into each other. It surrounded the alarmed Crimson Raiders standing in groups, unsure of action. Finally, the wave passed over the vault hunters and continued until it swallowed up all of Sanctuary in a brilliant burst of amethyst.

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after these short messages)


	2. A Parallel is a Bad Thing

Chapter 2: A Parallel is a Bad Thing

"Uh…just, five more minutes, okay Sarah?" Axton mumbled in his sleep. He sighed and rolled over in the feather bed to snuggle up next to his wife. He sighed with confusion. The bed felt rock hard and his wife was unexpectedly muscular.

"Sweetheart, have you been going to the gym?" Axton's eyes flew open. He was not in a feather bed sleeping peacefully with his ex-wife Sarah. He was lying on a large rock next to the still form of Krieg the psycho.

He stumbled back with a bark. "What the hell?"

There was a chorus of moans from nearby. Axton turned to see a mound of bodies in a heap. Various arms and legs were struggling to disentangle themselves from each other along with numerous grunts of 'ouch!' or 'watch it!' and 'Lil can you move your butt out of my face?'

Axton struggled to his feet and went to help free his friends. As he worked he also took a head count. "Mordecai, Maya, Brick, Lilith, Zero, and Krieg…We're missing two people."

Lilith brushed herself off. "Dammit, I knew this was a bad idea. What happened? Where the hell are we?"

"We're definitely not in Sanctuary anymore," Axton confirmed. He went to take stock of the surroundings.

"Unless… you guys aren't gonna believe this."

Everyone had more or less regained their sense and orientation. However, orientation was rendered useless because the entire world and everything in it was now tinted in different shades of dark purple, plum and lavender. The ground cover, the foliage, every stick and stone was purple. The sky and clouds were the same. It was as if the entire world passed through a color filter.

The only objects to escape the color change were the vault hunters themselves. Their hair, skin and clothes had maintained their various hues of blues, reds, yellows and whites.

"Whoa," Brick said. "Everything's purple. I mean everything! Not just the plants or the rocks, naw it's all purple!"

"Good, then I'm not the only one seeing it." Axton said, relieved.

"But we're not purple. We're like we always are."

"Yeah I noticed,"

Maya knelt beside Krieg who was still motionless on the ground. She bent over him worriedly.

"He's breathing, but it's shallow?"

"This is bad," Mordecai muttered grimly, squinting up at the sun in the lilac sky above.

"Teammates are missing/where is Gaige and Salvador? /Patricia Tannis?" Zero said in confusion.

"He's right; if they were around we would know." Axton stretched his neck. "This is insane. We just watched that damn cannon explode in our faces and what happens? We wake up and the world is a plum. Shit, you don't suppose we all died and this is like…heaven or something?"

Mordecai groaned. "I hope not. It ain't heaven if there isn't free booze and beautiful women for miles."

"Yeah my ass hurts too much for it to be heaven." Lilith said, rubbing the body part carefully. As she did, a candy bar sized piece of Eridium slipped out of her pocket and landed in the dirt. She couldn't quite retrieve it quickly enough.

"Are you serious Lil? We had three people guarding that stupid shed and you still lifted some Eridium?" Axton chided. He shook his head in disappointment as if he was reprimanding a young child who had pilfered a cookie jar (Sometimes Lilith stole cookies too).

Lilith crossed her arms in defiance. "I only took a small piece! Just this sliver was left, so not a big deal."

A dreamy look came over her face. "It worked super good I might add."

"An addict," Mordecai declared.

"Total addict, she needs help." Axton confirmed. Lilith glared at them.

During this exchange, Krieg grunted and sat up suddenly. He looked around wildly in confusion. "My eye sockets see wine! But my skin suit stays skinny!"

Maya gripped his shoulder. "Hey, hey, it's okay big guy. We see it too, or, we don't see it, depending on how you look at it, or not look at it." She wrinkled her nose. "Now I'm even confusing myself. Guys, we need to get a plan together and figure out where we are and what is going on."

"But what if we really are dead?" Axton persisted, a little shaken by his own theory.

"I'm telling you man, we can't be dead. There's nothing to drink." Mordecai reminded him. Brick shielded his eyes and scanned the horizon. "Nope, not a single lady in sight; we can't be dead."

"Change in atmosphere/it's messing with our eyesight/it's temporary?" Zero offered helpfully. He shook his head. "Find Sanctuary/still on Pandora/find Dr. Tannis."

"That's as good a plan as any." Lilith said. "If only we had transportation. I don't see any signs of civilization."

She was startled when the echo-device on her belt beeped abruptly and automatically activated its communicator. There was a brief period of static before Patricia Tannis's voice came through.

 ** _"Hello? Hello is anyone there? Please tell me one of you survived."_**

Lilith pulled the echo-device off and held it up. "Tannis this is Lilith and the crew. Are you okay?"

 ** _"Oh good, your still alive. Yes I am perfectly alright, although something went terribly wrong with EPIC's firing mechanism."_**

"Really? We didn't notice." Lilith responded dryly.

 ** _"From what evidence I have gathered since the shock wave. The Eridium energizing within the device did not function as propulsion when powered, but instead as an ecto-plasmic wormhole."_**

"Oh great, wormholes," Mordecai muttered.

The echo-device crackled and Tannis's next words were unintelligible. When the static faded, Lilith said. "Say again Tannis, the reception on this thing sucks."

 ** _"What? Oh yes, impressive service on these communicators. It's astounding that they are still functioning at all, considering you are likely in a parallel dimension."_**

"Uh…come again?"

 ** _"A parallel dimension, from what I can tell it's a pocket reality much like our own, although with some differences. I trust none of you have experienced mutations or transformations?"_**

"No, everyone's pretty much fine. Except this entire world is purple Tannis, purple!"

 ** _"I see,_** **_well that's fortunate. I was expecting you to report extra limbs, extremity deformities or full genetic breakdown. You see, my research has pointed to the Eridians using portals as a means of travel-"_**

"Sorry to disappoint, everyone is fine except for the color. Two of us are missing as well.

There was talking in the background and Gaige's cheery voice came through the radio. **_"OMG, I'm so glad you guys are alright! Is Zero there?"_**

"Good to hear you too/we are in a real mess now/where are you Gaige?" Zero answered.

 ** _"You sound kinda tinny from my end. Anyways, yeah EPIC didn't really work. Well it kind of did, but it was more like a bomb than a cannon. Tannis says you guys got sucked into an alternate dimension when it fired; something about wormholes and Eridians. It missed me somehow. Oh and Salvador says hi, he's helping Scooter clean up since there's no crimson raiders left to do it."_**

Axton cut into her rambling. "Gaige, slow down girlie. What do you mean there's no raiders left to do it?"

Gaige sounded puzzled. **_"Tannis didn't tell you? All the Crimson Raiders are gone, all of them and a few of the people around town: Marcus, Dr. Zed, and Moxxi. We can't find them anywhere. All of the citizens locked themselves in their houses and won't come out. It's like a ghost town up here."_**

"Are you serious?" Axton looked at Lilith. "This is very bad."

 ** _"So what's the plan?"_**

"You're asking us? We are the ones in a goddamn parallel! What is Tannis doing?"

 ** _"Hold on lemme check…Hm, she's yelling at Scooter about something and now he's yelling too and oops, she just got the mother of all nosebleeds. Sal is calling for me so I gotta go but I'll check in on the com as soon as I can. Hang tight guys, we're working on it!"_**

With that, the connection severed and the echo-device went silent. Lilith stowed it back on her belt. "Unbelievable. We are trapped in a parallel dimension and the only one who can reverse it is a partly insane woman with awful social skills and the redneck grease monkey. Yeah, I'm regretting everything."

"What do we do now?" Brick said.

Behind them, Maya and Krieg had been surveying the surrounding terrain, looking for anything that might explain where they were. The best Maya could tell, the vault hunters were in the center of a wide elliptical valley surrounded by steep rocky cliffs on all sides. The floor of the canyon was mostly grass hills and rocks going off in opposite directions. It was no part of Pandora that she had ever been to before.

"We appear to be in some sort of natural box canyon." She called back to her companions, but the news was not well received. Mordecai threw up his hands. "Holy shit, we're stuck in a purple rock bowl, just what I always wanted."

Then something else caught Maya's sharp eyes. "Hey, everyone, come look at this!" The other vault hunters gathered around and looked where she was pointing. Down a short incline from where they were standing, near a large boulder was a familiar piece of equipment. A Hyperion fast travel station standing all by its lonesome self.

"Perhaps it might work/or too much to ask of it? /proceed with caution." Zero said.

"Only one way to find out," Lilith said. She led the way down the slope.

Although he was eager to get out of their current predicament, Axton couldn't shake the feeling that they were being watched, or worse, targeted. It must have been his commando instincts that made him sneak glances at the hills and cliffs. There were a hundred good places in this valley for an ambush. Axton was about to voice his concern when they reached the fast travel station. Lilith inspected the consol but experienced some difficulty navigating the menus since several of the icons were color-coded.

"Hm, well it's got power. But I don't see any destinations. Let me check where we are now." She typed a few more times. "This thing is not working like it's supposed to. The world map is blank, the locations have illegible names, and it says we're on a plant called Blandora."

"Maybe some kids were messing with it or something." Mordecai offered, coming up beside her to examine the screen for himself. "Well hell Lil it's because the language setting is on New Age Japanese."

"Since when was there a language setting?"

"Strange, it's set to English now, but it still says Blandora. Maybe Tannis wasn't kidding. Maybe we aren't on Pandora anymore."

The two continued to fuss over the consol. Brick whistled impatiently, cracking each of his massive knuckles loud enough to wake a sleeping person. Krieg was sitting restlessly on a rock, poking at a small bush. Maya was standing behind him, holding onto his massive shoulders for balance as she continued to scan the area.

Axton stood a short ways apart from the group, still uneasy. Zero appeared beside him. "Something worries you/the open ground is not good/perhaps there's bandits?"

Axton shook his head. "I don't know what it is, but I think we're being watched. Shit, I feel naked without any guns. At least you still have your sword."

Zero patted the hilt of his weapon. "I don't leave without/it annoys Gaige on our dates/but safer than sorry."

"You got that right. I remember during my days with Dahl our base got attacked once. I was in the showers when it happened. I rushed out with just a repeater and a towel. Ended up emptying the repeater into a few mercs and the wind took the towel. Point is, better armed than not; even if you're naked."

In the distance, thunder boomed. Maya looked up. "A storm? There's hardly a cloud in the sky."

Brick shielded his eyes. "I heard it too, that's weird." There was more thunder, and this time it was definitely closer. Now Axton was listening. "That doesn't sound like thunder... It's too precise. It's more like…oh shit."

There was the screaming sound of an incoming projectile and an explosion ripped through the ground a few dozen yards from the fast travel station.

"MORTARS! IT'S MORTARS!" Axton roared at the top of his lungs.

Another shell burst the ground and the shock wave knocked Maya clean off the rock. Now there were explosions rocking the area surrounding the fast travel, coming from all directions and only narrowly missing the group. It was as if one or more enemy parties had suddenly unleashed their entire arsenal on the middle of the canyon. The vault hunters were now dashing away from the fast travel in a staggered formation, hanging onto each other to keep from tripping and falling as each impact shook the land.

"This is worse than Marcus's firework special last year!" Lilith panted. "What the hell are they firing at us?"

"From the force of the impacts I'd bet M30 Bunker Busters! That's why there's such a big shock wave!" Axton called back.  
"Great, at least now we know what's going to blow us up!"

Krieg was bringing up the rear with Maya hanging onto his back for dear life. He shouted. "TALK TURDS LATER WHEN THE SKY STOPS CRAPPING!"

"Krieg I can walk, you can put me down now!" Maya was protesting feebly. He reluctantly but swiftly put her down.

"The Giant's right, let's find some cover!" Axton said.

Just then, two simultaneous explosions rocked everyone nearly off their feet. The air was so thick with dust that vision was reduced radically. The disoriented vault hunters felt their ears were ringing from the din. They didn't realize that they had separated into two different groups that were heading in opposite directions.

* * *

Axton, Lilith, Mordecai, and Krieg had stayed together and had managed to escape the mortars, which continued to scream down incessantly. The group was now very near the wall of the gulch. Where there were cliffs, there were caves. They found one surrounded by a field of very tall, stiff grass.

Fighting his way through the prairie Axton broke through into an open area under a rocky outcrop.

"Found one!" He breathed excitedly. He dragged everyone in under the outcrop and into a shallow but spacious cavern beneath it, carved out of the rock as if with a giant ice cream spoon. The four of them collapsed in a panting heap. Outside, the explosions continued for another minute before subsiding completely.

Axton poked his head out of the cave and surveyed the vicinity. "Looks clear, but we'd be wise to sit tight in here for a second to make sure." He whistled. "The ground looks like an egg carton with no eggs in it. That was at least several full payloads they fired at us."

Lilith stood beside him with her hands on her knees. "You've got to be kidding me. I think I can see the fast travel station. It's still there."

He looked too. Sure enough, the Hyperion antenna stood proudly in the middle of the blast zone, undamaged. "I'll be damned. Maybe it has a protective barrier field or something."

"Or maybe there's more luck in this parallel than back home. I mean we did all just run through a mortar strike and didn't take a scratch."

"I wish I'd held off on that last gin before lunch." Mordecai groaned. He was sitting with his back propped up against the wall of the cave. "The acids are roiling in my stomach and they ain't stopping anytime soon."

"Garr, my blue maiden is missing!" Krieg exclaimed wretchedly. After he had set Maya down, the detonations had separated them. It was obvious he was worried about her whereabouts.

The psycho paced back and forth, ready to go charging back outside but Lilith placed her hand on his shoulder.

"Whoa, hold up Krieg you can't go back out there. Maya and the others will make it. Vault hunters don't die easy. You know that."

He seemed to understand and nodded somewhat doubtfully. "Someone's in for a good gut pounding and splatter!"

"Whoever it was was obviously watching. They probably set up that fast travel as a decoy for their trap. We walked right into it." Axton mused.

"But if we really are in a parallel, who the hell could already want to kill us? We've only been here fifteen minutes." Mordecai griped.

Lilith chuckled dryly, and it turned into a cough. "Maybe our reputation has preceded (cough!) us. Is it just me or could anyone else (cough!) go for a rak ale?"

Mordecai raised his hand, but swiftly dropped it when his stomach let loose a low rumble.

"That damn dust cloud is what separated us." Axton said. "I hope the others got clear."

"Hold up friends," Mordecai cautioned. He was listening intently. His ears, although dulled by alcohol, were still the sharp ears of a hunter. His goggles distorted into a scowl. "We've got company. I can hear em coming."

"Shit and we have no guns."

There was a small tree sapling growing by the mouth of the cave. With a snarl, Krieg wrenched the unfortunate plant out of the ground, roots and all and brandished it like a club.

Lilith looked at Axton. "My powers can do some damage, but they could do more if you had let me have some Eridium, cough. Krieg's got a club so guess you'll have to take a defensive position with Mordecai."

The commando scowled darkly. "Unbelievable! Why didn't I wear my concealed underwear pistol today?"

Unwillingly he took a step back and stood ready with Mordecai.

The enemy was nearby. There were many pairs of boots approaching from the left. Lilith and Krieg crouched by the entrance to the cave, waiting tensely.

The owners of the footsteps came through the grass and into view. In a few moments, a small army surrounded the cave. Crimson Raiders, except they were no longer crimson. These soldiers wore the garb of the raiders and even stood with stereotypical slouches, common posturing for bored raiders on patrol duty. But they were all completely purple, down to their scuffed and mismatched boots. Fortunately, nobody opened fire and Krieg did not begin busting heads with his sapling. Instead, there was an instant of confusion in both parties before the raiders walked cautiously towards the vault hunters.

"Who are you?" One of the raiders exclaimed.

"Look at em, all in vivid color too." Another noted. "It's making my eyes hurt a little, but you know it's a good hurt."

Lilith was at a loss. She coughed. "We're, vault hunters. Who are you guys?"

The first raider said. "We're the Lilac Raiders, and if you really are vault hunters then we're mighty glad to see you."

Lilith looked at Axton for help. He filed forward. "Yeah, we're the vault hunters. Give us a quick rundown of what's happening around here if you would."

The raider nodded. "We're the Red Team, formerly of the Lilac Raiders. It's the third week of our campaign against Team Blue here in Bloodless Gulch. I hate to say it, but this civil war has been a solid stalemate from day one."

The raiders waited for some kind of explanation in return from the vault hunters so Axton, the nominated spokesperson said slowly. "So, you know what the hell is going on around here."

"Damn right I do," the raider answered. "The situation has not improved sir. We're still deadlocked against the enemy."

"So they're the ones who were firing all the mortars at us." Axton surmised. "They sure had a lot of them." "Well," the raider said guiltily. "Actually, about half of those were from us. We thought you were Blue Team, messing with the fast travel so we opened fire, sorry." He turned indignantly to his companions. "Did you even look before you started launching the mortars? Idiots,"

"Whoa, take it easy," Axton implored. He cleared his throat. "Look, if you mistook us for an adversary, I can forgive that. Actually as long as we're on the subject I want to ask if you were using M30 BBs because I swear that's what they sounded like."

"Oh yeah," the raider said. "All we have are the M30s. We did have some 202s at one point but we used them all to blow up skags."

"They pack a good punch, good for anti-tank too." Axton agreed.

Lilith sighed. "Boys, can we focus please? I would like to know more about your little war. Who are you fighting again?"

The raiders all grunted in simultaneous disgust. "Blue Team: bastards every one of them; they think they've got military superiority but the truth is their just as out of options as we are. This damn gulch is just too symmetrical." The raider shook his head. "The war's hellish enough what with us not being able to tell ourselves from the damned Blue Team. We have had more friendly fire incidents then I care to count."

"Couldn't you just paint your armor red to keep the participants straight?" Axton asked innocently.

The raider cocked his head in annoyance. "Have you looked around lately sir? Everything is goddamn purple."

"Right, sorry."

Mordecai pointed back towards the valley. "We're still missing some people. We think they're in the gorge somewhere."

"Missing people? That is bad news. I'm sorry to say but the Blue's probably have them prisoner by now; or maybe the robots got em."

"Robots?" Axton asked.

The raider shrugged. "We don't know much about them since they live outside of the gulch. A shady lot, all machines except for their leader: a good-looking fellow with perfect hair and a nose to make ladies swoon. Course he was wearing a mask when I saw him so who's to say what he really looks like. He had a mean streak to him. Don't know how exactly he got involved in the Lilac War."

To the vault hunters, that description could only fit one man on Pandora.

The situation had rapidly grown worse with the possibility that Handsome Jack could be involved.

 _What the hell?_ Mordecai mouthed to Lilith. _Handsome Jack, here._

"Either way we just can't seem to get an advantage." The raider shook his head somberly. "It's a damn shame."

All of the others shook their heads and repeated. "A damn shame,"

The leader perked his head back up. "Say," he said to the vault hunters. "You wouldn't be inclined to help us raiders out would you? I mean just to beat the Blues. I mean, hell with the redheaded lady here, we could even have the true team colors!"

"Sorry dude, I don't do mascots anymore." Lilith said. "Not since my high school cheer leading days."

"I'd pay to have seen that," Axton whistled.

The raider was fired up. He clenched his fists in a fiery passion. "Those blue bloods won't know what hit them!"

Mordecai looked to Axton and Lilith. "So," he said grimly. "Do we help them?"

"What about the others?" Lilith cautioned.

"You heard the raiders," Axton said. "If they captured Maya and the others then we might need help saving them. And if Handsome Jack really found a way into this parallel I want all the allies we can find."

"He's right Lil," Mordecai put in. "We can help these guys and rescue our friends at the same time."

Lilith sighed. "I can't believe we're about to enter a civil war between purple versions of our own soldiers so we can save our friends while looking for our arch enemy who regrettably is still alive. Lead on."

Axton turned to the raider. "Alright look. We're not exactly sure where the hell we are or what's going on. But if this Blue Team has our fellow vault hunters then we're with you. Do you have a base of operations?"

"West end of the gulch, and we'd best head there now since the skags will be coming out once night falls." The raider explained. "Alright, move out men!"

The vault hunters fell into line with their new allies and followed them from the cave along the cliff walls towards the west. Krieg was in the rear, and he stopped to look back one last time in the direction of the fast travel and his blue maiden before following the others reluctantly.

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after this short break)


	3. Welcome to Team Blue

Chapter 3: Welcome to Team Blue

The second party only narrowly escaped demolition into little red chunks by the nuclear holocaust raining down. When the air became thick with powder and impossible to see, Maya, Brick and Zero had managed to stick together. The siren and the assassin sprinted, ducked, and dodged as if birds quick and agile, while Brick's size 15 boots came down like twin pistons as he maneuvered the chaos. When the air raid finally ceased and the dust settled, the three vault hunters found themselves separated from the rest of their companions. Unable to turn back for fear of more explosive retribution, they headed to a grove of small trees and stopped for rest beneath their drooping boughs.

According to Maya's estimation, they were now a good ways down the east side of the canyon.

"But truthfully, we could be anywhere by now." She panted.

Brick leaned on a branch for support. "Damn! I ain't ever seen a bombardment like that. We're a couple of lucky dogs."

Maya groaned. "Speak for yourself, my ass is killing me. That rock was really hard." She looked worried. "And Krieg is still out there somewhere."

"Along with the others/Krieg is extremely tough/ don't worry too much." Zero said to comfort her. He leaned heavily on his sword. Even the red light display on his helmet looked out of breath.

"Well what do we do now? Everybody else is on the other side of that mortar field. I don't know about ya'll but I'm not ready for round two." Brick said.

Zero shook his head. "Stay put for awhile/catch breath and reformulate/we need a new plan."

Maya kicked a small stone, sending it rolling. "I hate this place. It's dangerous and desolate and too…too purple! We should have been more careful. The whole project was a bad idea."

"Hey, Tannis built the freaking cannon, not us." Brick countered. "Zero I don't suppose you could slip back to that fast travel with your sneak ability?"

The assassin was not paying attention. He had crept to the edge of the grove and was listening. He knelt on the ground, poised like a large black cat waiting to strike.

"What's wrong?" Brick called.

"Hush! Someone is close/I can feel their nearby presence/maintain the silence." Zero whispered.

Realizing an enemy might be nearby, Maya prepared to activate Phase-lock. Brick needed no weapon; he already owned the largest pair of fists on Pandora. He crouched in a boxing stance, at the ready. A few seconds passed, and then suddenly Zero activated Deception and disappeared. The grass rustled and there was a shout of surprise. A few moments later, the assassin returned, dragging behind him a struggling figure in crimson raider armor. Zero dropped the man on the ground and drew his sword. "I found our rival/he was not very stealthy/around the tree line."

Brick leaned over the prone figure, eagerly cracking his knuckles. "Alright bud, talk fast and maybe I won't grind you into hamburger, maybe."

The raider sat up and waved his hands in front of himself as if to ward off his attackers. He certainly did not seem very menacing, in fact, he was plump for a soldier and his uniform did not fit him very well.

"Wait! I can explain! I only took a 94.55% cut of the net price, plus the merchant's fee. The rest is yours!"

The man looked up to see if his pleading was having an effect. As soon as he saw who it was, he grumbled and pulled off his helmet. Marcus Kincaid's bushy face greeted the world. His expression was sour and full of annoyance.

"Bah! It is the vault hunters! Don't sneak up on a guy like that!" He climbed to his feet and dusted himself off.

"Marcus, what the hell are you doing here?" Maya exclaimed. On an afterthought, she added. "And what was with the piteous pleading for your life? You shoot people in the kneecap for asking for a refund."

Marcus shrugged indifferently. "Right, when I'm behind the cage in my shop with a shotgun under the counter. When you are out in the open, you have to be careful! Don't think being a businessman is any less dangerous than your vault hunting."

"But why are you pretending to be a crimson raider?" Brick wanted to know.

"Ha! Crimson hardly. Trying to find a way out of this damned canyon; I think it is a real war zone. Let's just say I needed to make a quick exit. A disguise comes in mighty handy at times."

"A little trick eh?/perhaps consider weight loss/the armor looks tight." Zero said smugly.

Marcus scowled. "Sure, sure laugh. But I'll ask the same question. What the hell are you guys doing here?"

"Marcus," Maya said. "You do realize we're no longer on Pandora, not the real one anyways, with everything being purple and all."

"I figured something was up after that huge cannon Tannis built went kaboom. Why did you let her build that thing right in the middle of the city? People were freaking out!"

"We're regretting it plenty now. But if it had worked it could have helped us beat Hyperion."

"Hyperion!" Marcus said darkly. "Afraid you're out of luck vault hunters. From what I've heard, Handsome Jack is here, in the flesh."

"How could he be here?" Brick asked. "If he is I'm gonna pound him."

"How should I know? Everything I've managed to gather is from those Blue Raiders I just sold some merchandise to; something about robots, yada-yada. You would do well to be careful, especially with the Red Raiders around. They were firing off a bunch of mortars earlier. You probably saw that."

"Oh yeah, we saw it." Maya said. "Who are the Red Raiders?"

"Nasty bunch of bastards is what I've been told. They attack anyone that goes near the travel station located in the middle of the valley. It's the only way out of the valley, but nobody can get close to it without being bombed into oblivion."

He winced and pried off a piece of his costume. "Aye, I hate wearing armor! Gets me sweatier than a fat skag in the summer sun. Anyways, what's your plan vault hunters? I don't suppose your comrades are nearby."

"Their stuck on the other side of the canyon," Brick said.

"That's no good. If you want to get to them I suggest you go talk to the Blue Raiders; they're not very bright but they've got guns."

"What about you?" Maya asked. "Why don't you come with us?"

Marcus shook his head. "Nope, I'm off to meet the Reds. See if I cannot get some sort of armament deal started between them and their hated enemies. If I'm lucky I'll get a real monopoly going."

"But you just said the Red's were some nasty bastards." Brick pointed out. "And now you're going to visit them?"

Marcus waved a hand dismissively. "Hey, remember who you're talking to. They can't be any worse than the bandit clans I sell to back home. Adios, vault hunters! I'll meet up if you find a way out of the damn canyon!"

With that, Marcus Kincaid disappeared off into the trees, heading west, trotting in his ill-fitting disguise.

"That guy never changes." Brick said.

"We failed to ask/where are the Blue Raiders/go and investigate?" Zero commented dolefully.

"Doesn't seem like we have much of a choice," Maya said. She sighed and looked east. "C'mon you two, we'd better see if we can find these guys before it gets dark."

Maya and her companions walked through the small forest until it deposited them down in a small ravine of rock and sparse grass. They moved through it rapidly and it was not long before the ravine dumped them out into the east end of the box canyon. They were traveling through some underbrush and suddenly burst through the foliage into the clearing at the back of the canyon. There, right before the cliffs was a circular military installation consisting of a large metal outer wall surrounding several small buildings and in the center, a bunker of some sort, flying an unidentifiable purple flag. Several bandit technicals and light runners sat parked outside of the compound. A large gate guarded by nearly a dozen purple raiders seemed to be the only entrance.

"Look, there it is!" Maya said in relief. "God I miss Catch-a-Rides,"

The sentries had not seen them yet. They were preoccupied chatting in groups leaning against the trucks or taking naps on the ground.

Brick was ready to go. "Let's talk to those guys. Find out what's really going on."

Zero stopped him. "Do not surprise them/could mistake us for intruders/maybe one goes first."

"What? Naw they ain't gonna attack us." Brick waved him off. "We don't look like reds!"

Inadvertently, Brick's booming voice caught the attention of the bored sentries. The moment they caught sight of the vault hunters they flew into a state of alarm.

"Holy shit it's the Reds!" Someone shouted. "The Red's are trying to attack us!"  
"Sound the alarm! Get the lads!" The guards rushed to form into something resembling a defensive formation bristling with guns. Inside the base, there was a scramble and more raiders poured out of the gate to reinforce their comrades. Within a minute, they had the vault hunters completely surrounded.

Maya and Brick slowly raised their hands in surrender but Zero had vanished again.

"Shit, Tin Man was right about sending just one person." Brick sighed. "Probably would have been smart to send you first."

Maya frowned. "Why would it be me going first?"

"You obviously don't check your fan base very much."

"I have a fan base?"

One of the raiders stepped forward, puffed out his chest and shouted in his most steely voice.

"Alright, don't move you bastards!"

Although their hands were still in the air, Maya was more concerned with her newly discovered fan club. "Since when do we have fans? I never get echo-messages from anybody or _anything_."

Brick shrugged, "since a while. Mine is pretty big, you know cause I've been around longer but yours is good too. The point is, whoever has a fan club is less likely to be shot at. Solid logic,"

Maya rolled her eyes. "That is really stupid. And if your fan club is bigger than mine then you should have to go first!"

"I don't see any ladies over there! If you had gone first I'd bet you ten Eridium bricks these guys wouldn't have even drawn their guns."

"Oh thanks for the _compliment_ ,"

"Uh, did you guys not hear me?" The raider shouted again, a little irritated. "I said, don't move!"

"You're just trying to butter me up so your idea sounds less ridiculous." Maya quipped. "And don't tell me it was Zero's idea."

"It kinda was his idea."

The assassin was still invisible, but his voice echoed indignantly. "It was not!"

Brick snorted. "It wasn't all my idea and I still think it kinda makes sense."

"YOU!" The raider was roaring so loud his friends were cringing. "Pay attention goddammit!"

The vault hunters looked at him.

"It seems he is trying to communicate." Zero's voice noted, forgoing his usual manner of speech.

"He's like a cartoon or something." Brick commented.

Maya squinted. "I can't decide if it's funny or just odd."

Perhaps the raiders would have started shooting then had someone not come hurrying out of the gate waving his arms. "Wait! Gosh darn it, don't anybody start shooting anybody!"

"Doc?' Brick called, "that you?"

It was Dr. Zed, Sanctuary's resident (unlicensed) practicing doctor and surgeon. He held a rather interesting past relationship with the vault hunters, having patched their wounds on numerous occasions, offered them odd jobs, and once asked them to help put down his evil zombie brother Dr. Ned. He was there now, bent over outside the gate trying to catch his breath after sprinting to stop the massacre.

"Yeah, it's me. What in tarnation are you three doing here? Zero I know you're here too."

"Doctor Z do you know these intruders?" one of the raiders asked in surprise.

"Did not move an inch/swift and silent as the night/and he still found me." Zero said sourly. He deactivated Deception and appeared beside Maya and Brick. Dr. Zed said. "Put down those damn hand cannons, you boys probably couldn't hit Zero anyways. Yeah I know these people, their vault hunters, some of the best and my regular patients. You can stand down."

"We're trapped in a parallel world Zed," Maya said. "The cannon didn't work."

Dr. Zed snorted. "So I figured. But does that mean all…" he counted on his fingers. "All nine of you are here too?"

"No, Gaige and Sal are with Tannis back on Sanctuary-" Brick began to say when Zed suddenly went into a fierce fit of fake and obnoxious coughing. He motioned for them to follow him and walked back towards the gate still hacking and wheezing. The raiders stepped aside and watched curiously, as the vault hunters followed him into the compound. Once inside, Zed brought them to a small shack with a red cross drawn crudely on the door. Inside the hovel, he breathed out a sigh of relief. "Whew, you almost set those boys off again. Do not under any circumstances mention Sanctuary. It drives em into a frenzy like a psycho in a meat market. I have to say I'm glad to see you nonetheless. I trust you've already got a plan to get us back home safe?"

The vault hunters looked at each other. Brick scratched his head. "Not really."

Zed's face (under his surgical mask) fell.

"How did you end up with the Blue Team?" Maya asked.

"I walked into their base by accident. They thought I was with the enemy but when I told em I was a doctor they welcomed me in. It's kinda nice actually; they don't care two shits about not having a proper medical license -who needs those anyway. So right now I'm Team Blue's medic; although I have only had one patient and all he had was a mild case of athlete's foot. It's kind of a letdown ya' know?"

"The Reds have the others/Marcus said they want fast travel/hence bombing the valley." Zero explained.

"That's not good. Gosh darn Marcus; he's going to sell guns to them isn't he? Well if you want to save your friends, you'll need the Blue's help. Their okay fellows as long as Sanctuary isn't mentioned."

"Is it like a voodoo word in these parts?" Brick asked.

"It's what their civil war is about." Zed explained. "They think that fast travel station in the middle of the valley goes to the city. These guys are determined to get to it before Red Team for bragging rights and all that."

"But everything here is purple! How can they even tell each other apart?" Maya disagreed. "

"They can't, and that's why they never really fight. I ain't seen a single battle between them, not even a firefight. They can't keep the teams straight." Zed rubbed his chin. "But I think that might be about to change. Seeing as we're all in Technicolor."

There was a knock at the door. "Uh, Dr. Z, the Captain wants to see the vault hunters?"  
"Oh alright, I'll send em right out."

Maya gave him a sly look. "Dr. Z?"

Zed sounded sheepish. "Well, it sounded cooler than Zed at the time! Come on. Captain is in charge of these people, so talk to him. Just remember, don't mention Sanctuary!"

He opened the door and let them out. A few raiders led the vault hunters through the compound to the center bastion. It was really just a two-story bunker with several entrances on each side. The raiders led their charges up a ramp to the roof, which featured a good 360-degree view of the east part of the valley. Surveying the area with his hands clasped behind his back was a solitary raider, somehow more important looking than the rest. His voice was so soft he could have been a pillow. "Hello there, so you're the vault hunters. I'm Captain."

"Captain who?" Brick asked.

The raider shook his head. "Captain, I'm in charge of Team Blue and our current operations against Team Red in Bloodless Gulch."

"I'm Maya, and this is Brick and Zero. There are more in our party, but we think they've been trapped on the other side of the mortar field." Maya explained.

The Captain seemed rather taken with the siren, particularly her vivid blue hair. "Ma'am, those are some mighty fine navy locks you've got there." He said politely. "I don't believe I've ever seen any like them."

Maya was puzzled. "Really? Well thank you I guess."

Captain nodded passionately and began making excessive hand gesture to illustrate his point. "I'm serious. I've never seen them before. It kind of makes me wonder what it would be like if you brave people were to join Team Blue and help lead the troops…"

Within a few minutes, Maya, Zero and Brick had elected to join the Blue Team in order to rescue their friends. Maybe it was the smooth talking Captain, who knows…

Brick chuckled. "Sounds like you and your boys are getting restless."

Captain nodded gloomily. "You have that right. Those damn reds are just sitting over there and we cannot do anything about it. We fired off our whole mortar payload today for nothing."

Zero coughed.

"If the reds have your friends it's gonna take nothing short of a full assault to rescue them." The raider said.

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after these short messages)


	4. Handsome Jack Makes an Appearance

Chapter 4: Handsome Jack Makes an Appearance

 ** _"WHAT!?"_** the radio squawked. **_"You LOST my boyfriend?"_**

"Not lost," Lilith returned. "Misplaced is more appropriate. He's an assassin, Gaige. He can take care of himself."

 ** _"That's irrelevant! You said a mortar shower separated you! I think that's cause for concern."_**

"Look, we're going to start looking for the others as soon as we can. But we have to get a plan together first. Now put Tannis back on."

Gaige sighed audibly through the radio. **_"Fine but I swear if he comes back with one leg I'm gonna be really pissed. Although I suppose building him a cybernetic replacement could be really interesting! Maybe forget I said anything."_** She signed off and the archeologist took her place.

 ** _"Hello again vault hunters, I was hoping to get a status report from you."_**

Mordecai spoke up. "Things are just peachy Tannis. The group split up after we almost got bombed to death and now Lilith, Axton, Krieg and me are hanging out at Red Base, home to a squad of Crimson Raiders who think Lil is a goddess because of her hair color. Also they are hell bent on destroying their moral enemy who may or may not have captured our friends."

 ** _"I'm afraid I don't follow where this is going."_**

"What he means," Lilith explained. "Is that we're in trouble and we're wondering how long it's good be before you guys fix whatever needs fixing and get us back home! This place is crazy."

 ** _"I'm afraid it's not that simple! The disruption that caused the parallel was an accident in the first place. I'm an archeologist for crying out loud, not a physicist!"_**

"But you built the cannon in the first place."

The archeologist's voice was agitated. **_"I will need time to recalculate and figure out want went wrong. Perhaps if my brain cells have not committed suicide from the ramblings of that monkey with a wrench, then I can work out a way for you all to return. In the mean time, I suggest you explore and contact me with any relevant data. I will be in touch, not literally of course; such a silly saying…"_**

Tannis ended the transmission.

Mordecai looked at Lilith. "Well Lil, this may actually have been your worst idea yet."

She scowled. "Shut up, we're not dead yet. Where did Axton go?"

Mordecai led the way back into the Red Base. "He's with the Major."

Lilith groaned. "That guy might need help."

"He's just star struck by your vibrant scarlet hair. I believe those were his exact words." The hunter chuckled. "Can't say I blame him, these sods think purple is the only color in the palette and then we show up. I guess that was what it was like having an old TV back in the day, _way_ back in the day."

They threaded their way through the compound around groups of raiders many of whom stopped talking to salute them or just wave.

"Still," Lilith said. "They think we're here to help them fight an epic war. We need to regroup before doing anything else epic."

They arrived at the bottom of the bunker and Mordecai turned. "Well, doesn't look like we have much of a choice now. Truthfully, I think we could be a lot worse off. These guys are friendly and well supplied; and the best part," He swept his arm wide. "They have their own bar, what can possibly beat that? I'm on my way to check it out right now so I'll catch you later." He trotted off, waving lazily over his shoulder. Lilith watched him go, exasperated. Ever since arriving, Lilith herself had become a reluctant celebrity. The whole camp was fired up about having a new leader who sported the team color on her head and was very beautiful. At least no one was firing guns into the air. The leader called himself simply Major, and was overly enthusiastic about everything. He made a grand speech about the iron advantage Team Red now had over the enemy and how they would crush them into the dust. Unfortunately, he did not actually have a plan to accomplish that just yet. While the reds celebrated in their high morale, the vault hunters had little to do: Axton was with the Major, trying to give his input as a former military man. Mordecai was searching for the bar and Krieg was sitting on his haunches outside of the front gate, arms clasped around his thick legs. The sentry guarding the gate was keeping his distance. At one point Lilith walked up and sat down next to Krieg. "You doing alright big guy?'

The psycho grunted but said nothing. His eyes wandered the landscape unhappily.

"You're worried about Maya aren't you? I think she would find that very sweet. But you won't be able to find her if your restless like this. We just need a plan first, and then we'll rescue the others."

She stood and patted his shoulder. "Don't go anywhere okay?"

Meanwhile Mordecai had finally made it to the little pub he had mentioned beforehand. It was built into the back of the compound to resemble a cozy hole-in-the-wall type of place. Those kinds of bars were his favorite. When the hunter opened the door and entered, he met quite a shock.

"Mox, is that you?"

Mad Moxxi looked up from behind the counter. Her mouth opened in surprise. "Mordecai? Sweetheart I didn't expect to see you here!" Mordecai took a seat on one of the stools. "Well, well, looks like you're stuck in this shindig too then."

Moxxi poured him a drink. She adjusted the brim of her hat with a scowl. "Where even is here? You know I never did like that Tannis woman! The only time she ever came into my place back home she abruptly ordered a coffee, took one sip, shouted something about statues, and left without paying! I wish you guys had thought your whole kill Jack plan through a bit more."

Moxxi took in a deep breath and sighed, causing her cleavage to rise and fall. "Sorry to unload on you like that. I've been a bit shaken up since I got here. These red gentlemen are decent enough patrons and they like me running their little bar. Only thing I could do to help them out." She leaned in closer. "This war their fighting makes no sense to me. Sugar, I've heard rumors that Handsome Jack is here. That can't mean anything good for us."

Mordecai sipped his drink thoughtfully. "It can't. At least we have some numbers on our side this time. And even if he is here, I doubt he's got all of Hyperion with him."

"Even so, I want you all to be careful!" Moxxi warned. "What would I do if you all got killed? All my best customers would be dead."

Mordecai grinned. "Wouldn't that be a shame?" Before he could take another drink, his echo-device activated and Axton's voice called urgently. **_"Mordecai, get over to the bunker, we've got something."_**

"Oh is that Axton? Hi sugar!" Moxxi called cheerily.

 ** _"Moxxi? Don't tell me you got dragged into this mess too."_**

"Afraid so, you'll just have to come and rescue me." She quipped.

 ** _"I'll see what I can do…but yeah Mordacious_** **_we've got something so get over here."_**

Mordecai turned off the echo-device.

"Mordacious?" Moxxi asked coyly.

He waved her off, "pet name or something. Pity you never gave me any. I wouldn't have minded then."

Moxxi made a pouting face. "Sure I did! I called you pudding, sugar, sweetie, sweet-thing, and sweet-pea."

He was already halfway out the door. "Thanks for the drink. Be back in a bit."

The other vault hunters were waiting in the bunker when Mordecai got there. "What's the word?"

Major jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "Something big just came up!"

"We just received a message from Jack himself." Lilith said. "He knows we're here. Play it for him."

The Major held up his echo-device and pressed play. Over a bed of static, the unmistakable voice of Handsome Jack greeted the world. He sounded undeniably cheerful which served to put the vault hunters on edge.

 ** _"Hey there you raider guys, CEO of Hyperion: Handsome Jack here! So I hear that you are still fighting your little civil war. Good, good, hope it's going well for you. Are you having trouble winning? Looking to destroy the enemy once and for all? I have the answer. I have a little race tournament I'm cooking up and I thought you might like to participate! Think about it! You can crush your foes under the wheels of your runners in style! This crap is going to be televised so don't hold off on that new coat of paint! You realize that was a joke right? Because everything is purple here…Anyways! Seriously, enter my race or else…"_**

Mordecai scratched an ear. "How does that-"

 ** _"OH! One more thing! I almost forgot to mention the best part. You vault hunters; I know you are here so you just gotta come to my little event. It would not be right if you guys didn't enter into my race with is definitely NOT a trap. So yeah, you people should totally do it. It's going to be tonight. The location is on the fast travel map."_** The recording ended.

Mordecai deadpanned, which was difficult to perceive under his goggles. "Is this for real?"

"That's what I said." Axton agreed.

The Major gestured excitedly. "We don't have those trucks sitting around for nothing! With both armies out of artillery, this might be our only chance to beat the Blues and secure the fast travel!"

"But why does securing the station win the war?" Mordecai asked.

"Why does it?" The Major sputtered. His good mood seemed to have evaporated and replaced with a passionate fury. He jumped forward and almost hoisted the hunter into the air by the front of his shirt.

"What was that soldier?" he bellowed. "Why does it win the war?" The faceplate of his helmet was two inches from Mordecai's nose.

"Why does it win the war?!" He released his hold and waved his arms frantically. "That goddamn fast travel will take us to Blanktuary, the only floating city on this entire planet! Boy, that place is the goddamn most perfect military headquarters and we want it goddamnit! It's completely defensible and invincible!"

Lilith leaned over to Axton. "I dunno about that last part. It's kind of an easy target really."

"Depends on if your enemy has a space station or not." He replied.

The Major finally calmed down and wheezed apologetically. "Sorry, mention of that place always gets me going. I should probably let the commando do the talking."

Axton took up the thread. "Right, okay people, we're talking about Handsome Jack here. That means this 'grand prix' of his is undoubtedly a trap."

"No worries, we just won't enter." Mordecai said.

"We will enter the race," Axton continued. "Because if he's really here in person then it's a chance to take him down. If we take him down here, then we can end the war back home!" The commando nodded sagely. "Each of us can drive a vehicle with a raider gunner. Four trucks should be enough."

"Whoa wait, we're going to let Krieg drive a technical?" Mordecai said uncertainly. "I mean no offense but I have to draw the line at this."

Krieg crossed his arms rebelliously. "Blue Maiden lets us pound the speed pedal many times!'"

"Alright, alright, if Maya was okay with it then I rest my case."

Axton turned to the Major. "We'll need full support from your men; I need them to be able to follow orders to the dot."

The Major saluted sharply. "You got it! We're all mobilizing for this one!"

Axton spoke to the group. "We can't pass this up. It would be great if we could bag Jack. Be ready for tonight."

Everyone dispersed to prepare for the evening event. Axton frowned. "Now I just have to find something to do until then."

"Brotha," Mordecai called after him. "Don't you want to check out the bar?"

Evening came at last. Axton had had a few drinks with Mordecai and chatted with Moxxi for a few hours. Lilith spent most of the time napping on the roof of a shack. She was also trying to forget about her current Eridium craving. Krieg milled around the yard with his large fingers laced together.

Moxxi saw the convoy off from the gate. She waved cheerily as eight assorted light runners and bandit technicals roared through. "Good luck everyone!" She called after them. "Kill some robots for me!"

The vault hunters were in the foremost vehicles, all runners heading for the heart of Bloodless Gulch with the reds behind them.

The fast travel was waiting. The ground around it was difficult to drive on, because of all of the craters. Lilith leaped out of her seat and checked the screen. A new location was available to the northwest. It was called the Hyperion 500 Raceway and featured a thumbnail of Handsome Jack wearing a ridiculous race car helmet and giving a cheesy wave. Lilith rolled her eyes and pressed it. She hurried back to the light runner and signaled. One by one, the cars rolled towards the FT Station and atomized until they were all through.

The destination was quite a change from the roundness of Bloodless Gulch. A large flatland of dirt and rock, strewn with the occasional boulder or dying tree as far as the eye could see. It seemed to go on for miles under the dark sky, illuminated by Pandora's moon, Elpis.

The Handsome 500 Speedway was approaching and it was enormous. The largest and most extravagant sports arena dome the vault hunters had ever seen. There was a huge lit sign over the front displaying the name and the Hyperion logo. Large spotlights placed around the perimeter of the arena with enough wattage to light up the entire region.

"Moxxi would be drooling if she could see this." Lilith radioed. "Just like her old under-dome, but bigger."  
"It looks even more outrageous in purple," Axton responded.

"Am I the only one who wonders how the hell Jack managed to build this?" Mordecai commented.

"GRR, keep your milk orbs on the trail!" Krieg complained from the rear. "The metal meatheads are waiting!"

At the main gates, there was a troop of ten or so Hyperion loaders waiting. The vault hunters pulled up warily, ready for any signs of hostility. The loaders were passive and indicated that they should drive through.

However, when the Major and his men tried to follow, the large sliding doors slammed shut in front of their fenders.

The Major stood up in his seat and shook a fist at the loaders. "WHAT the hell is this Hyperion?" The loaders opened fire on him. Bullets ricocheted off hoods and fenders, leaving dents and shattering windshields.

The Major dove down in his seat. "Reverse! Reverse!"

Tires squealed and the raiders backpedaled away, shooting wildly at the robots. Several of them bailed out of their damaged vehicles and took cover behind.

"We gotta warn the vault hunters that this really is a trap!" the Major pulled out his echo-device. "No service! Are you shitting me?"

"What are we gonna do sir?" Someone called.

"Keep shooting of course!" the Major looked up at the arena. "It looks like you're on your own vault hunters."

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after this break)


	5. The Hyperion Grand Prix

Chapter 5: The Hyperion Grand Prix

The interior of the Hyperion Arena was lit up like an electrician's Christmas tree. The bright lighting was dazzling, even if most of it was a dull plum color. The area floor was set up in a classic oval track of asphalt with a massive concrete median in the middle. However, the course featured a large array of extra items such as ramps set up at random points, deep pits in the track and metal spikes protruding from the outer wall.

The spectators packing the stadium cheered loudly when Team Red's vault hunters followed the holographic lights along the ground to the starting line.

 _"AND HERE COMES THE SCARLET CHASERS THEMSELVES!"_ A loudspeaker blared. _"GIVE EM A HAND EVERYBODY."_

Across the track from the starting line was a grand stadium box, raised above the regular seats around it. With the bold H stamped on the front, there was only one person who could stand in it. Handsome Jack leaned against the railing, holding a microphone in one hand. He was handsomely sinister as usual, but his expensive suit, mask and hair were the color of the vegetable beets.

Jack turned to one of the two Hyperion engineers standing at attention. "Remember, when they get to near the starting line, close the doors or I'll kill you." He clapped his hands eagerly. "I'm so damn excited for this!"

Lilith and the other vault hunters brought their vehicles to the brightly marked starting line and stopped. They had discovered that their reinforcements were no longer with them.

Axton looked across at Lilith. "Where the hell did our backup go?"

On Axton's other side, Mordecai sat glumly behind the wheel of his runner. "It's a trap I say! I say why are we doing this. But does nobody listen to old Mordecai? No." He muttered.

Lilith started to climb out of her runner. "Alright Jack, I'm coming for you bastard."

 _"YOU SEE THE RAIDERS WERE JUST THE DISTRACTION TO GET YOU ALL TO COME HERE. DO NOT WORRY, THEIR BUSY GIVING MY LOADERS SOMETHING TO SHOOT AT SO IT'S ALL GOOD! IN THE MEAN TIME, WHY DON'T YOU ALL ENJOY THIS ULTRA NEW RACETRACK I JUST HAD BUILT YESTERDAY? BUT FIRST, WE NEED TO GET THE OTHER TEAM OUT HERE."_

At the other end of the track, three garage doors began to slide open along the wall of the arena. Behind them were sets of headlights and the growl of revving engines. Three light runners rumbled out and cruised onto the track. Maya, Zero, and Brick were behind the wheel. They piloted their vehicles around the course until they stopped next to the red vehicles. There was a moment of awkward silence as the vault hunters from the different teams gawked at each other.

"Lil?" Brick grunted.

"Brick?" Lilith stuttered.

"Krieg?" Maya managed.

"MAYA!" Krieg bellowed.

"Zero?" Mordecai questioned.

"Mordecai." Zero returned.

"You've got to be freaking kidding me." Axton finished.

Handsome Jack's voice chuckled over the speakers. _"YEAH, I FORGOT TO MENTION THE PART WHERE YOU'RE PITED AGAINST EACH OTHER."_

"What the hell are you guys doing gunning for the Blue Team?" Lilith shouted in confusion. Brick pointed an accusing finger at her. "Us? Who's sporting red logos on their runners?"

"We thought you got captured or something." Axton argued.

"That's what we thought too!" Maya protested from her seat.

Mordecai had not participated in the shout fest because he had noticed something alarming in his rearview mirror. Several score yards behind them, two sections of the stadium wall had lifted up mechanically to allow a pair of evil looking machines to emerge. One of these devious vehicles was fitted with an enormous steamroller drum, capable of crushing a light runner flat in less than three seconds. The other one was armed with two saw blades spinning at high speed. Each Hyperion vehicles featured a massive engine locked within heavy steel chassis and huge tires to provide the torque necessary. They were rumbling down the track towards the vault hunters.

Mordecai's jaw dropped. "Guys, heads up!" Unfortunately, everyone was too busy arguing to hear him.

"Dr. Zed is with the blues so they must be okay." Maya was saying.

"Don't bring Zed into this!" Axton retorted. "We have **_Moxxi_** so that means that the reds are all right. I'm mad that you guys didn't even try to rescue us; you just wanted to enter this stupid race!"

"Oh hell no, you jerks did the same damn thing." Brick said angrily.

"Shut up, it doesn't matter!" Lilith shouted. "The point is that we're all together again."

"I really think we should get moving!" Mordecai said loudly.

"Lilith is correct/everyone is in one piece/stop arguing yes?" Zero recited, trying to restore order.

"We don't have to follow Jack's bullshit. We're joining forces!" Lilith declared.

Mordecai inhaled as much air as possible and roared at the top of his lungs. "LOOK IN YOUR GODDAMNED MIRRIORS PEOPLE!"

Everyone finally looked at the steamroller and the leveler roaring towards them.

"Holy shit! Why didn't you warn us sooner?" Axton shouted. He crushed the gas and shot forward. The other runners squealed after him, seconds before the roller flattened the starting line.

"Damn," Handsome Jack grimaced from his box. "It would have been funny if they had fallen for that."

He picked up the microphone.

 _"I'M LUCKY YOU GUYS AREN'T COMPLETE MORONS OR THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN OVER ALREADY. THOSE DESTROYERS ARE THERE JUST TO KEEP YOU ALL ON YOUR TOES. BECAUSE THIS IS A TEAM DEATH MATCH YOU HAD BETTER CONVINCE YOUR ENEMIES BECAUSE IF YOU DO NOT YOU WILL SUFFER A PENATLY, CAPICHE?_

"Brick," Axton said. "Insult me!"

The large man thought for a second. "Uh… your rims are lame." Brick challenged. "Yeah, check out my 22s!"

"Well, your paint scheme sucks!" Axton retorted. "And what about that muffler; did you cram a rak up the tail pipe?"

"Naw, that's just the sound of your ugly voice!"

Speakers built into the stadium wall were repeating all of these exchanges for everyone to hear. Handsome Jack scratched his head in confusion. "What is this, preschool?" He wondered. "Are their insults supposed to be so lame?"

The seven light runners went into the first turn in a tight pack. Axton was in the lead. Holding the wheel with one hand, he grabbed for his radio. "Alright Lilith, you have a plan for what we are going to do here?"

"I'm working on it!"

Zero got on the frequency. "Suggest you hurry/I think we should ignore Jack/let us join forces."

"Zero's right, we have to work together!" Maya agreed.

Axton thought quickly. "What about the penalty?"

The next turn came up suddenly and he was forced to slam on the brakes and crank the wheel to keep from striking the barrier. His gunner hung on for dear life.

"Watch it man! You scratched my door." Mordecai complained.

"I'll buy you drink if we get out of this." Axton gestured up to his gunner. "Start shooting shit. We'll blast a way out of here!"

Bullets peppered the walls of the stadium, damaging sections and sending spectators diving for cover. The other gunners took the cue and fired their machine guns. Krieg's gunner was particularly smart. He rotated his turret around to shoot at the pursuing destroyers. Several lucky bullets struck the leveler's engine and it exploded in a fiery blast. Debris rained down on the track and the audience.

"Hell yeah Krieg!" Mordecai cheered. "I knew we should have you drive!"

 _"HEY! YOU GUYS CHEATED! WELL IF YOU DICKS ARE GOING TO BLOW UP MY DESTROYERS THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GET A PENALTY! I MEAN YOU PSYCHO! CUE THE GROUND SPIKES!"_

The psycho raised an arm and displayed a thick middle finger. "CHASE ME NOW LITTLE MAN!"

"Krieg be careful!" Maya warned.

A long line of road spikes deployed suddenly in front of his runner and blew out all of the tires simultaneously. Krieg's taunt died in his throat and he clutched the wheel with both hands to keep the vehicle from spinning out of control. He really was a good driver, managing to maintain control of the runner until the final turn where it struck the outer wall and came to a screeching stop in the middle of the racetrack.

"Oh shit," Lilith gasped.  
"Krieg!" Maya shouted. She wanted to stop her runner and go back but Axton said. "We'll get him when we come around again!"

"We won't make it; the steamroller is coming after him!"

Krieg lifted his head up from the broken dashboard and shook it vigorously. He was dizzy but unharmed, being the toughest psycho on Pandora. His gunner shouted at him. "We have to bail or we're going to get crushed!"

The man clambered out of the car.

"GETTING OUT OF YOUR VEHICLE IS ALSO CONSIDERED CHEATING SO ENJOY THE LAVA PIT."

The centerpiece of the arena on cue retracted on hidden hydraulics. Underneath was a deep pit of boiling lava that bubbled and hissed with peril. There was nowhere to go between the high outer wall and the lava. The roller was getting closer. Krieg pounded the gas pedal and then the brake. He threw out the clutch and then threw it back in. He did it all again but the runner remained unresponsive. He pounded the cheap vinyl with his fists. "NNNGGG I'll USE MY OWN GAS IF I HAVE TO!"

"Keep trying!" The gunner implored. "I don't want to die!"

The psycho pressed down the accelerator one last time with all of his leg strength and shook the runner back to life. With a terrible screeching of bare metal on asphalt, the car shot off down the track just as the roller was about to flatten it. Krieg howled in triumph. His runner careened along, shooting out thousands of sparks from the naked rims. The crowd went wild.

"Krieg that was awesome!" Axton radioed. The vault hunters slowed down to allow Krieg's crippled runner to catch up. It was grinding so badly along the ground that everyone was worried it might explode.

"That's my boy," Maya said proudly. Then she shook a fist. "I'm gonna melt Jack for this!"

"What's the plan now?" Brick wanted to know. "His car ain't gonna last much longer like that."

"Hey Krieg, hop on!" Mordecai called, letting his runner drift closer. "Your gunner can get on Lil's car."

With careful timing, the psycho and his gunner both leapt off their car and grabbed onto the ladder rungs.

The empty runner wavered and careened out of control and crashed into the outer wall with a spectacular explosion.

"I think it's time we turn the tables on Handsome up there." Axton suggested. "All in favor of blowing up the steamroller? Oh look its unanimous,"

"Oh come on!" Handsome Jack groaned. "I was flattening pennies with that thing for hours yesterday!"

On the next lap, the vault hunters blew the remaining destroyer into little pieces. The crowd was hysterical at this point. Jack was also hysterical. He kicked the railing repeatedly held his leg in pain.

There was a horrendous crash from outside. A large dent appeared in one of the closed arena doors. The crash was followed by a second and after it, a large hole appeared in the door.

"Ram it again!" Major roared.

One more strike and a technical broke through and swerved perilously onto the track. It came to an abrupt stop with its hood against one of the supports beneath Jack's box. The whole platform shook.

There were curses from the Major as he staggered out of his seat. Steam hissed from under the bent hood, the windshield was cracked, and the fender bent. He saluted dizzily. "Reporting for duty, vault hunters!"

Handsome Jack was furious now. "Oh, oh great. Now _they_ show up! What are we arming the loaders with these days, cotton candy?" He leaned over his balcony with a scowl. "You vault hunters think your real funny don't ya? Well you won't be laughing when I get…"

He blanched at the dazzling array of guns and cannons aimed up in his direction. "Okay, I get it, your tough guys." Jack chuckled nervously. "Yeah...the other me didn't really mention this part."

He took off running.

"Don't let him get away!" Lilith shouted.

"How do we get up there?"

"Krieg," Maya called, running towards the Major's car. "Give me a boost!" The psycho jumped onto the hood and threaded his fingers together with a grunt. Maya leapt lightly onto the prepared step and he gave a heave. The siren landed easily on the balcony and was off after Handsome Jack.

"Lil, let's roll," Axton threw his car into gear and drove through the tear in the garage door, followed by Mordecai and Brick.  
"Are you coming Krieg?" Lilith asked, but the psycho had already clambered halfway up the wall to the balcony, obviously intent on helping Maya in the chase. The siren looked to the Major. "Catch up when you can?"

He saluted sharply. "Give em some hell for us!" Lilith's runner roared out of the empty arena after the others. The Major inspected his disabled vehicle. "Well shit on a stick; guess it's time for the backup plan."

"What's the backup plan?" his gunner asked.

The Major scratched his helmet. "Well now I wish I had thought of one."

* * *

Maya was a fast runner, but Handsome Jack had a head start and knew where he was going. He went down several hallways and two conference rooms before making a left at a three-way intersection and going up several flights of stairs. Maya was undeterred and forced herself to run faster. She decided then that she would resume those e-net cardio workouts she had been doing diligently last month.

After the final flight of stairs, Jack burst through a fire escape and was on the roof of the arena. Maya came through the door only a few seconds later. She scanned the roof for her prey. "What the hell?"

There was an enormous Hyperion blimp parked on the roof. It was in the middle of lifting off. Jack was clambering up a rope ladder into the cabin. Maya started running without stopping to think if it was a good idea. The blimp rose sluggishly but surely off the roof. The siren in pursuit sucked in gulps of air and commanded her legs to go faster. In a flash of blue and yellow Maya caught up to the blimp and jumped. She sailed through thin air and managed to grab a metal step on the bottom of the cabin. She held on for dear life, her legs dangling. Behind on the roof, Krieg stood waving his arms frantically as the dirigible sailed away. "TAKE ME WITH YOU FLYING POTATO!"

He could only watch it get smaller and smaller and kick the roof in frustration. There was the purr of another engine above him. "Ahoy down there!"

Another airship had appeared. The Major waved from the cockpit.

"Climb aboard giant!" The gunner threw down the ladder so Krieg could grab it.

Axton, Lilith, and the others were in hot pursuit of Jack's ship along the flat desert floor.

"Where the hell is he going?" Mordecai radioed.

"Probably a Hyperion base of some sort," Axton responded. "I guess Maya couldn't catch him."

"Then we left her and Krieg at the arena."

Brick got on the frequency. "No worries there, we brought back up too. The blue raiders should be around soon."

"Head up we've got serious trouble guys," Lilith warned.

"What kinda trouble?"

"There is a rickety looking bridge over a gorge kind of trouble. Just look ahead!"

About a half mile away, a rift in the ground opened into a chasm of at least a hundred feet. The bottom was a wide riverbed flowing with lava. Only a single suspension bridge spanned the gap. It was wide enough for several runners to travel abreast. The problem was that the substructure was in a sorry state of disrepair and featured several large holes in the way.

"Well, we know where Jack got the lava for his trap from." Mordecai commented with fake cheerfulness.

"So not funny," Axton said.

"Stay focused on path/we have to cross that bridge there/one at a time!" Zero radioed them. His voice was surprisingly urgent. Even the wily assassin was nervous about this one.

"Zero's right, everybody make a line." Axton ordered. "And if you haven't written your wills do it now. I'm going first."

The runners moved into single file and approached the bridge. Jack's blimp was not far ahead.

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after this short break)


	6. Full Throttle

Chapter 6: Full Throttle

Patricia Tannis had decided that once this escapade was over, she would move into a secluded cabin on the tip of an arctic iceberg and forget humanity existed. She had had quite enough of vault hunter shenanigans, devious bandits, explosions, and everything else.

She bent over her desk in the front room of the Crimson Raiders headquarters, her nose buried in several blueprints. It was past midnight and she had consumed more cups of coffee then was healthy for a human being. Gaige was at the desk behind her. The girl had dozed off again with her face resting on an echo-device set to scan mode. Tannis sighed with frustration and tapped her desk sharply. Gaige sat upright with a snort. "I'm awake!"

"I would think someone who wanted to save her friends would be more diligent in saving them."

Tannis pointed out.

Gaige scowled. "I am working on it! Last I heard my boyfriend got himself lost or killed or something. It's just that going over these schematics is hurting my eyes. Isn't there something else we can do?"

"Your eyes will recover," Tannis responded briskly. "Now continue looking for that atomic apparatus composite, I know it's in here somewhere."

Gaige sighed. "Yes ma'am."

Tannis went back to her blueprints and tried to focus her caffeine-saturated brain. Something was eating her. Once she had woken up in one of her dig sits to find a skag pup trying to eat her boot. This was a metaphorical eating but it was still uncomfortable. She had already had Gaige and Scooter inspect EPIC to check for equipment malfunctions or failures. A couple of rivets had come loose during the explosion and the controls were fried. Scooter was rebuilding them. In truth, the redneck mechanic had fallen asleep with a wrench in his hand some hours ago.

Tannis still believed her calculations had been perfect. If she had not made a mistake and the construction was fine then what was wrong with the cannon? Something did not add up.

Perhaps it was the coffee.

* * *

Maya had managed to situate herself so that she was not fall from the blimp to her death. With an arm and a leg hooked through ladder rungs, she could suspend without exerting much energy. The wind was blowing in her face and making it difficult to see. _All right Maya, this was a great plan. Now if the crew decides to shoot this thing out of the sky you get to go down in flames with Handsome Jack!_

She grunted and looked for a way to climb up. If she could sneak into the cabin undetected it would be easy to commandeer the ship. Moving carefully, the nimble siren slithered up the ladder rungs to the cabin door. She reached for the handle when the blimp swung heavily to the right and she lost her grip.

Axton's runner sped onto the bridge, heading straight for the other side. The commando had both hands on the wheel, his knuckles white as he concentrated. There were so many places where the wood had rotted through that it was like driving over Swiss cheese. If he did not veer properly, he would slide right through one and plummet to a bubbly death. Near the end was an extra wide tear large enough to swallow a runner whole but Axton made it. He reached for his radio to warn his friends about the hole when an incoming transmission hogged the frequency.

 ** _"Hey Axton is that you? It's Gaige!"_**

"Not now Gaige!"

Behind him, vehicles were swerving all over the place to miss the hazards. Almost everyone made it to the other side. Mordecai's runner was lagging behind and he did not see the large gap until too late. There was no time to turn. So instead, the hunter stood in his seat and shouted. "Jump!"

The gunner leaped just in time. The empty vehicle sailed through the opening and fell swiftly into the thick lava below.

"I hope insurance covers that." Mordecai muttered, pulling himself to his feet. "You okay man?"

His gunner gave a shaky thumbs up from the ground.

"Ouch! They barely made it." Brick whistled. "A little heads up would have been nice Axton."

"I tried! Gaige stole the airwaves."

 ** _"I'm sorry! If Mordecai is there, tell him I'm sorry."_**

"Not at the moment/he is on his ass behind/we will get him later." Zero said.

 ** _"ZERO! OMG I'm so glad to hear your sexy voice, even if you are mad at me."_**

"Gaige now is a bad time unless Tannis fixed the cannon." Lilith said impatiently. She gunned it to catch up with Axton. "She hasn't fixed it has she?"

 ** _"Not yet, sorry. We're looking through the mechanics right now."_** The mechromancer sighed. **_"I wish I was there with you guys! Tannis is even more disturbed than usual, not sure why. Anyways, I'll let you go so you can kick ass! Kisses on you Zero!"_** She signed off.

"Well that was unhelpful." Axton said.

"Look up at the blimp/Jack is making some strange moves/trying to lose us?"

* * *

Handsome Jack was sweating at the helm of his airship. With the thrusters at full blast, he could not shake the convoy on his tail. He cursed the shortsightedness of his engineers for not arming the blimp with laser cannons; damn budget cuts. He was making for his headquarters at Hyperion Outlook. It was less than a mile away but the vault hunters would probably shoot him down before he reached it. There was only one course of action left. He grabbed an echo-device and pressed in a number. It rang a few times before a voice answered lazily through a mouthful of chips. **_"Handsome Jack here,"_**

"Yeah it's me," Handsome Jack replied impatiently. "I've got a problem."

 ** _"Did your echo-net-flix lag again? I told you it works better if you put the antenna on the left side of the TV."_**

"No you moron! It's the vault hunters. Their on my ass and my ass is not far away from the base and I think it's time **you** did something to help this operation!"

There was the sound of rustling plastic bags and grunts. The voice was more serious when it spoke again. **_"Alright, so your Grand Prix of death didn't work?"_** The voice on the line asked.

"No it didn't work! Those idiots teamed up the second it started. God, it's like my plan was designed to fail from the start."

 ** _"Calm down already. This is simple. How many of them are following you?"_**

Handsome Jack glanced out of the window. "Four."

 ** _"That's all? You are fine. I'll have some surprises set up while you get here and then we'll blow them up. And then maybe I can finish this trashy soap opera."_**

"You better be ready; their thirsty for my blood down there." Handsome Jack hung up. He kicked the consol. "Why doesn't this thing go any faster?"

* * *

Maya was hanging from the ladder by a single leg. When the blimp turned suddenly, she almost fell to an unfortunate end far below. Thank you inventor of locking boot clamps.

"Okay, calm down girl and focus!" She steeled herself and using her core muscles reached up until one hand grasped a ladder rung. Maya clambered the rest of the way back up in triumph, her heart still beating quickly. "Alright Jack, I hope you're ready for me!" She threw open the cabin door.

Handsome Jack turned in surprise. "Aw crap, you again?" He went for a pistol hidden under the consol and Maya dashed forward in order to use Phase-lock. Unfortunately, when these actions occurred they triggered several unintentional ones. Handsome Jack accidentally bumped the steering controls while reaching for the gun. The blimp tilted deeply to the right. This caused Maya to trip and bang into Jack's back. He fell forward, muttering a string of curses and bashed his forehead into the consol. Fortunately for him his mask protected his face, but the sharp metal bridge of his nose and the edge of his metal brow crushed the velocity controls into little pieces. The duelists struggled upright and realized the damage they had caused.

"Crap!" Jack and Maya chorused. He dashed past her towards the open door.

"Where the hell are you going?" She demanded. "Don't tell me you're going to jump."

Handsome Jack smiled. "Looks that way doesn't it? By the way, I would probably get your name and number if you weren't going to die so adieu!" He stepped off the landing into the air. Maya ran to the door, hoping to Phase-lock him but Jack was already far below. Maya saw an industrial complex built on a rocky outcrop through the windshield. She scowled _Hyperion._

Jack had deployed a parachute and was gliding smoothly towards the buildings. Maya suddenly remembered she was in a disabled blimp and she did not have a parachute. She ran back to the control consol and poked around it gingerly. The airship was beginning to lose altitude.

"Shit, this is bad!" Maya had a sudden wish to see Krieg one last time. What would the poor psycho do without her? He would wander aimlessly around Sanctuary, murmuring sadly for his lost blue maiden. She realized with horror that there would be no more coffee in bed with him, followed by cuddling and occasionally vigorous morning sex. No way could she die in this stupid blimp.

"MAAAYAAA!"

She looked up in shock. There was another blimp flying alongside and Krieg was leaning out of the door. "Krieg?"

"LEAP FOR YOUR LIVER!" The psycho bellowed over the wind. Maya took a few steps back and jumped out of the cabin. She cut through the air as if a human javelin and right into her psycho's arms. The empty blimp continued its descent into the desert floor where it stereo-typically exploded.

"Nice catch!" Major praised. "Are you alright Miss?"

"I'm fine," Maya said after hugging Krieg. "But Jack got away. He's headed for that compound down there."

"It's Hyperion Outlook and it's heavily guarded. We'd better put this thing down and wait for backup."

The runner convoy was waiting for the airship when it landed.

"Holy shit, so how is life among the clouds?" Axton greeted excitedly. "I never thought I would see a pair of blimps battling it out."

"It's even more terrifying up close." Maya said, jumping down. She stamped on the dirt. "I don't think I ever want to leave the ground again."

"Did Jack go down with his ship?" Lilith asked hesitantly. "Or would that be too good to be true."  
Maya shook her head. "Sorry, he escaped. I can't believe I let him get away twice!" Krieg patted her shoulder comfortingly.

"The bastard made it to his base down the road there." Major explained, pointing. "That place is bristling with guns."

The group walked back to the parked vehicles. The red raiders were standing around and talking or tinkering with their rides. Zero waved. "Good to see you Maya/I should have gone after you/we could have caught Jack."

"Where are the others?" Maya asked.

"Brick went back to pick up Mordecai. They hit a pothole." Axton explained. He crossed his arms. "So what the hell do we do know? I don't know about you guys but I really don't feel like setting up a siege right now. All I want is a cold beer and a bed, and maybe a hot chick."

"We can't give up now." Lilith said. "We're close to bagging Jack once for all. Beer does sound good though."

Maya was thoughtful. "I have to say, Jack seems to be acting kind of strange. I mean when I cornered him in his blimp, he acted as if he didn't know me. I suppose he could have forgotten. But I doubt a man with such poor memory could be as evil as he is."

"That is fairly strange." Zero commented. He scratched the top of his helmet. "I don't suppose he is sick?/Perhaps mentally?"

Axton laughed. "He's already plenty mental. I agree though. I mean I feel like he's not the same guy we've been fighting against back home."

Approaching vehicles caused them to look up. "Looks like Brick's back." Lilith said.

Axton squinted. "There's more than one runner."

Maya and Zero looked at each other. "Captain Captain."

Brick jumped out before his vehicle had come to a complete stop. "We're back people!"

Mordecai and his gunner climbed down from the side rails. "That was a bumpy ride." The hunter said.

"I would kill for a drink right now, no?" The man nodded eagerly, "same here."

The other cars also came to a stop. When the idle red raiders saw Blue Team decals they gave a shout and went for their guns.

Major hurried over. "What the hell is going on? Aw hell, it's the blues!"

The blue raiders dismounted and quickly brandished their own weapons in response. Everyone stood still in a tense standoff.

"Well, if it isn't Blue Team. What the hell are you guys doing here?" Major challenged.

Captain pointed a finger at him. "We could ask you the same question Reds, since this area was no man's land last time we checked."

Vault hunters ran between the angry parties. "Guys cool it!" Brick called to the Blue Team. "Let's not start shooting shit that doesn't need to be shot."

"Yeah, put down the guns for a second." Axton entreated the Reds. When the raiders saw that all of their respective allies were present, they lowered their weapons in surprise.

Maya breathed out a sigh of relief. "That was close…"

"Guys it's us, the vault hunters so listen up." Lilith said loudly so everyone could hear. "I know you guys are used to shooting mortars at each other but we need you to put that aside for a bit okay?"

"Well," Captain said sheepishly. He pointed at Major. "Back then, we thought you were the other team messing with the fast travel so we opened fire, my humblest apologies."

Major shook his head. "Don't you guys even look before you start launching mortars? Idiots,"

Captain scowled under his helmet. "Because firing your whole battery in response is so conscientious? I'll bet you didn't even take aim first."

"Ha! We can aim in our sleep. Our shots came way closer to hitting the targets than yours!"

The raiders raised their guns again. The leaders seemed about ready to come to blows.

"HEY, SHUT IT AND LISTEN UP!" Axton ordered in his most commanding military voice.

He coughed. "Ow, that hurt. Look people Lilith's right. We need everyone's help if we are going to stop Handsome Jack. I mean do you guys even know what you're fighting over anyways?"

"Well it was about Blanktuary I guess." Major said. "But now that I think about it, it seems like it was really something to do with Jack." Major said.

"Back then he was just called the Mystery Man." Captain added. "I don't remember why he was there in the first place."

"You don't suppose Jack started the war between the raiders?" Maya asked Brick. He shrugged. "I dunno, it sounds like something he would do."

"You see?" Axton continued. "You guys can unite for a common cause this time. I mean hey, if you want to go back to kicking each other's asses afterwards be my guest. What do you say?"

The leaders looked at each other. Major sighed and stuck out his hand. "It would be nice to fight someone different for a change."

Captain shook it. "Think of the mayhem we can cause."

"Hey, you're right. Damn, I wish this had happened sooner! Alright vault hunters, you need anything from us and you've got it!"

Axton was satisfied. "Bingo, now its show time."

* * *

The cold courtyard of Hyperion Outlook was mostly empty when Handsome Jack finally landed. He came down in the artificial grass near the wall and shrugged off his parachute pack. He glared at several loaders ambling around the yard. "Don't you stupid things have something better to do?"

He walked briskly up the main road to the front entrance; a huge pair of titanium doors that opened quickly when he scanned his hand on the security panel. He stalked inside, still fuming to himself.

Jack passed through several hallways before stopping outside of a closed door. The label beside the door read: **OFFICE, DO NOT ENTER WITHOUT PERMISSION (unless you want to be fired or shot or both)**. He entered without even a knock. The massive office was gloomy, the shadows lying across the shiny floor. The far wall was a large window overlooking the desert. There was a desk in front of the window and a man was sitting at it with his feet up. A movie of some variety was playing loudly on two large monitors and the man was chuckling to himself. Handsome Jack went to the control panel on the wall by the doors and pressed a button. Painfully bright overhead lights flashed on. The man at the desk cringed. "What the hell? Hey dim the lights I'm at the good part!"

Handsome Jack crossed his arms. "Oh, are you? I'm so sorry to interrupt." He stomped up to the desk and put his hands on it. "Or should I say, I'm not sorry, because I'm really not." He glared at the sitting man, who was staring back at him. Two pairs of calculating eyes, behind an elaborate face mask with a strong chin, a perfect nose and handsome hair.

Handsome Jack glared at himself sitting in the chair behind the desk. "So, what the hell have you got to say for yourself, Jack?"

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after this short break)


	7. The Men Behind the Masks

Chapter 7: The Men Behind the Masks

Handsome Jack sat behind the desk, having a stare down with his doppelganger. The sudden interruption had ruined his good mood. His plan was also ruined since it had involved his clone being captured by the vault hunters. He pressed a button to mute the movie and removed his feet from the desk. "So what, your plan didn't work; damn and all that. But your back, so we can think up something better. What's the big deal?"

The doppelganger crossed his arms. "These vault hunters aren't anything like you said they would be. They are smart, fearless, and worse of all, persistent!"  
Jack rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I would know, I've been trying to kill them for months. Their like cockroaches, you just can't ever seem to get rid of them all." He stood up and wiped his hands on his vest. His mind was already working on a new plan to rid himself of his annoying double.

It had been cool at first. When Jack landed in the parallel, meeting his exact duplicate seemed like a great proposal. How much damage could two of smartest and handsomest man do? His doppelganger had had the same idea. According to him, no vault hunters existed in this reality, but unfortunately, a group of stalwart Purple Raiders did. They were causing trouble for Hyperion expansion so Jack thought he would help his clone deal with the raiders while simultaneously planning to take the clone's empire for himself and find a way back to Pandora. When the vault hunters showed up there was trouble. His stupid doppelganger didn't know how to handle them and Jack was too busy working on a secret project to be bothered. Now the idiot was blaming _him_ for not giving a proper warning!

"We'll be perfectly fine inside this base for a while at least." Handsome Jack said, heading for the door. He waved a hand nonchalantly. "I'll hang these vault hunters out to dry and then we'll get back to being awesome."

When the doors opened, two loaders surprised Jack and overpowered him. They seized him by the arms and held him down.

"I don't think so," the doppelganger sneered.

Jack struggled to no avail. "What the hell is this?"

His double strode over and wagged a finger. "You think I'm stupid? I know you tried to set me up. You wanted me to get tagged by your 'friends' so you can have my Hyperion. You may be me on Pandora or whatever it's called…" He went back to the desk and sat down. "But here, I'm Handsome Jack and **I** own Hyperion."

Jack growled. "You'll regret this! You can't take the vault hunters without me! They'll eat you alive!"

The doppelganger pointed at the door. "Take this impostor out and show him to the detention center."

"You bastard! Even if you are me, I'll still beat your face in!" Handsome Jack roared as the loaders dragged him away.

* * *

The morning sun was rising over the mountain peaks and streaming down into the desert valley. Its warm rays drew slowly over the convoy of light runners and technicals parked in a circle like a caravan of covered wagons. Almost everyone was still snoring. They had only gotten a few hours of shuteye after Axton finished constructing his plan. Eventually someone stirred and shambled over to the stacks of boxes containing rations and water. Mordecai yawned and swallowed. His mouth was dry. He dreamed of being back in Moxxi's bar with rak ale in his hand and a plate of spicy skag sticks on the counter. He wrinkled his nose at the bottled water but took a hearty swig anyways. He climbed up onto one of the cars to watch the sunrise.

Later, the rest of the camp woke and began moving. People were bleary eyed and sluggish. Lilith had bags under her eyes and her hair drooped over her eyes. Axton's first comment was. "Wow, you do not usually look like that in the morning."

She waved him away weakly. "It's because at home I have a bathroom and a comb and a hairdryer…"

He smiled. "Actually I think it makes you look kinda hot. You know the tussled bed head look."

"Just find me some coffee will you?"

A few of the raiders had started a bonfire and were brewing an enormous pot of coffee. Major was standing by it, warming his hands. He shivered. "It's the desert, and yet it's cold in the morning. I almost miss the damn gulch."

Brick was doing push ups to limber himself up. "It's gonna be a firefight in a second. Axton, you sure this plan is going to work? I mean I like explosions and crazy crap but I dunno about this one."

Axton bit into a breakfast sandwich. "It's gonna work." He said through a mouthful of eggs and sausage. "But just in case I think we should go over it one last time."

The camp groaned. Axton held up his sandwich in surrender. "Alright, alright we won't go over the plan one more time."

Maya shielded her eyes and squinted at the Hyperion fortress. "I can't believe I agreed to go up again."

Krieg stood beside her. "Not too many meat sticks to pop from here in the frosty dustbin."

"I know," she replied. "But it's the only way to beat Jack."

"Hey everybody," Lilith called urgently. "Come over here, we've got a call coming in from Sanctuary." The crew gathered around her.

The first thing they heard was a long yawn from Gaige. **_"Morning you guys, it is morning there right?"_**

"Nice to hear from you," Lilith said. "Any status updates?"

 ** _"Hell yes! We figured out what caused the explosion!"_** The vault hunters exchanged eager looks.

 ** _"Scooter left a peanut butter and pineapple sandwich on one of the ultra-transistors. It oozed into the circuitry and caused a serious malfunction across the whole system. Funny huh?"_**

Lilith pressed the respond. "Scooter… left a sandwich on the machine?"

 ** _"Tannis found it this morning. She was hunting over EPIC last night, something about missing something. You should have seen how pissed she was. Scooter is hiding in his shop now. Here's Tannis and she wants to talk to you."_**

 ** _"Hello vault hunters, Tannis here. I do not wish to discuss the details of the cause behind the calamity but I will say it has been remedied."_**

Axton chuckled. "We'll clap Scooter in irons when we get back."

 ** _"I will have the machine working again by this afternoon. However, I am afraid there is something else required to bring you home. In order to isolate your exact locations within the dimension, there needs to be a beacon. It will need to be something made of Eridium or infused with it. It does not matter how much, just that there is Eridium! When you have found a suitable amount contact me and we shall put this nightmare to bed. Although why would we put it to bed? We should bury it deep underground and forget its existence."_**

"Wait, I'm confused," Mordecai said.

"Tannis say all that again!" Lilith implored, but the transmission had ended.

"Great, how are we supposed to do that?"

"Don't worry," Captain said. "We all heard it. It sounds like you are in a bit of a bind."

"We never did tell them how we got here." Maya said. "Maybe we should explain?"

"Look vault hunters." Major stepped in. He shrugged. "We heard something about a portal and some parallel shit. It's obvious you folks ain't from around here, but there's no need to explain it. You helped us end the war so we have your backs with no questions asked. Right boys?"

The raiders cheered.

Captain nodded. "So just put us where you want us."

Axton jumped up onto a light runner. "Then I say we get started on the plan and kick Handsome Jack's ass. If you ask me, the best place to look for Eridium is going to be in that fortress. We'll kill two raks with one stone. Sound good?"

The combined Blue and Red Raiders led by Brick and Krieg began the attack by charging the Hyperion fortress in their vehicles. This alerted the automated sentry turrets positioned along the outer wall and caused them to open fire. Anticipating this, the convoy turned in a wide arc towards a rocky outcrop large enough to hide behind and shoot from. The occupants climbed out and returned fire.

"We're good and pinned down!" Brick reported through his echo-device.

Axton stowed his radio. "Alright people its show time." He glanced around the cabin of the commandeered Hyperion airship. "Are you sure you're up to this Maya?"

The siren was leaning against the railing, looking a little green. "I'm fine." She said hastily. "I just, don't like heights much these days. Are we almost there?"

"There are our teammates/they are taking heavy fire/I suggest we rush." Zero advised, peering out of the windows.

"Almost there," Mordecai said from the controls. "We had to come in from the northeast to stay with the wind."

"I still can't believe you used to be a blimp pilot." Lilith said. "You never mentioned it."

Mordecai grinned. "It was another life. I was one of the aces."

"Why did you quit?"

"Eh, long story short; I ended up flying naked and completely drunk into a client's tower. I figured it was a sign to move on."

Lilith sighed. "What is it with you being drunk and naked?"

The blimp shuddered and everyone's attention went back to the battle raging below. "I hope their okay down there." Maya said. She was concerned for the diversion team, especially Krieg. He tended to be extra reckless when she was not around.

"There are a lot of turrets on that wall Axton." Lilith said.

"Hang on tight." Mordecai called, flipping a few switches. "We're going in hot."

* * *

Within his fortress the doppelganger ran to a consol to check what the commotion outside was. He could see on the security cameras that a group of intruders was fighting against his automated turret system. Those idiots would never be able to get past them. Then on another monitor, he realized there was an object approaching quickly from the air. He zoomed in as close as possible.

"What the… is that one of my airships?" The doppelganger scowled. The tenacious morons thought they could fly into his base in one of his blimps. He activated the base's secondary defensive systems.

Outside around the perimeter of the compound, hatches in the ground opened and a swarm of homing rockets launched into the air.

The deadly missiles screamed towards the blimp to the doppelganger's delight. Seconds later, the rockets struck their target and exploded. The doppelganger chuckled as burning pieces of debris rained down into the yard. "Well, that is one less group of annoying vault hunters to worry about."

He turned away and left the room to go inspect the destruction up close. He did not notice the small figures floating into his compound.

* * *

When each of the stealth crew landed, they discarded their parachutes and hid. Axton ducked behind a row of parked Hyperion trucks. He proceeded to help Lilith and Zero remove their packs.

"Where are Maya and Mordecai?"

"I'm not sure," Lilith said. "They jumped off the other side of the airship."

"They're on their own then. Let's get inside."

"Do you have a way to do that?"

"I prefer innovative improvisation."

They crept along behind the trucks. When Axton signaled it was all clear, they moved across the open to the main buildings. Zero found an access door and speedily hacked it. When the door slid open, there was a loader standing guard behind it. Lilith Phase-walked and blasted it in the back with her gun.

Axton and Zero stepped over the loader's carcass and they were officially inside Jack's base. The halls were empty and the only sound was the noise from outside and the air conditioning system blowing ice-cold air out of vents in the ceiling. Lilith shivered. "If Jack's plan is to freeze us to death it's working."

"Let's find him, and then when we're beating the life out of him you can get warmed up."

"The Eridium/shall we look for it first?/or go to get Jack?" Zero wanted to know.

"If we get Jack first, we can take our time looking for the rocks. Look, there is some sort of prison block down here. Maybe he's got some unlucky bastards locked up we can set free." Axton said.

They passed into a side corridor lined with single occupancy cells. While each cell had a solid metal door, the rest of the divider was transparent so guards could easily see what the inhabitants were up to. The vault hunters checked them all in case there really were some innocent sobs imprisoned.

There didn't seem to be anybody in any of them. The last cell was dark inside and silent but Axton swore he saw something move.

"Come on Ax let's get going!" Lilith chided. "Our friends are getting shot at right now."

There was a drawn out sigh from within the darkened cell. "You know you could at least slip me a magazine or something so I don't die of boredom before my glorious execution. Yeah I'm talking to you genius. You the person outside of this box." The voice was painfully familiar.

Axton peered through the glass. "Who the hell are you?" He stumbled back when Handsome Jack's mask materialized out of the gloom like a Halloween prank. Jack laughed sarcastically.

"Oh that was hilarious. Seriously, whoever you are, if you let me out I can make you richer then the richest person in the world. Actually, I'm the richest so you can be the second richest person in the world. Do we have a deal? Come on."

Lilith came back. "I don't believe it."

"Could it be him? /our worst enemy trapped/like a rat in a trap?"

The mask faltered. "Wait a second you sound familiar…oh you've got to be freaking kidding me!" Handsome Jack realized the vault hunters were outside of his prison cell. It made him go into a furious tirade within the confines of the small room. He went about kicking things and then groaning in pain when he banged his shin on the edge of the metal bed.

The vault hunters watched this display with curious astonishment. Observing their worst enemy caught like a fly and pissing himself was entertaining. Finally, Jack calmed down enough to speak.

"Well, well come to gloat at me kiddos? Your old nemesis Jack wrapped up in a goddamn bow for you. You can go screw yourselves! Even if you kill me, my traitorous double will finish you off!"

Lilith scowled. "You bastard, you brought Timothy back into this? I thought he had had enough after Elpis."

Jack frowned. "That body double guy? I don't have a clue where he is. I heard he took a vacation at that beach resort you people destroyed last summer. You know, that one time that **I** bailed _you_ out of jail. _Hint-Hint_?"

Axton cracked his knuckles. "Alright Jack, enough talk about non-canon stories. I'm going to kick your ass."

"Wait," Lilith stopped him. "I want to hear what he means by this double. Talk fast Jack."

Jack sighed. "All I know is that this dimension produced a clone of yours truly. He's identical to me except that he's a backstabbing dick who needs to die."

"That makes so little sense." Axton said.

"It makes a lot of sense!" Jack snapped. "This place has a boner for me and it has its very own Handsome Jack! You lumps just chased his ass across the desert. He doesn't know how annoyingly persistent you guys are."

Axton chuckled. "I can't believe this is happening. Lilith, Zero, the war is over if we take him down now. We can deal with this 'clone later. He probably made the whole thing up."

"I don't know; remember what Maya said about him acting strangely on the blimp?" Lilith was thinking carefully. "You said it yourself that he was different then the Jack we were used to. And I know this asshole pretty well by now."

Handsome Jack watched this exchange warily. His mind was busy calculating schemes to get him out of the prison alive.

"Well what the hell do you want to do then?" Axton said impatiently. "If there really is a doppelganger then we've got two handsome problems instead of one. We don't have much time to figure this out."

There was a loud noise from the ends of the prison block. The security doors were closing. Zero darted forward like a bullet and thrust his sword between them. The doors snapped the blade in half, leaving him with a broken handle. He looked back. "We have been deceived."

The doppelganger chuckled over hidden speakers in the ceiling.

 ** _"Wow, I thought you vault hunters hated Jack, and yet here you are like you're going to save him. Sorry but I'm going to have to annihilate you!"_**

Hatches in the ceiling slid open and auto turrets dropped down. They homed in on the trio and opened fire. Axton and Lilith dove for cover while Zero activated Deception. It would have been simple to disable the turrets if they were not shielded.

"What the hell do we do know?" Lilith shouted.

"I really wish I had shot Jack when I had the chance." Axton groaned.

"Hey, losers!" Handsome Jack called from his cell. "Let me out of this damn cage and I'll shut down those auto turrets for you!"

"You think we're that stupid?" Axton growled at him.

"Yes if you don't listen to me," Jack retorted. "Those turrets are activated by _my_ voice but they can't hear me through this door so let. me. out."

Axton looked to Lilith for help. She rolled her eyes.

He cursed. "You have to be kidding me - Zero!"

The assassin appeared beside the cell and hacked the access panel. The door slid open and Handsome Jack jumped out. He looked at the nearest turret and said in a commanding voice. "Password: death to the vault hunters!"

The machine fired at him and Jack hastily retreated back into his cell.

"If he's bluffing I'm gonna waste him." Lilith muttered.

Jack tried again, "uh, how about this? Password: death to **all** vault hunters- shit!" There were new holes in his coat tails. He rubbed his forehead. "I know it's one of those! That bastard probably changed it to something lame like: I like waffles not pancakes."

The auto turrets ceased fire and retracted into the ceiling. The security doors slid back open.

"No shit Sherlock." Axton said, getting to his feet. Lilith marched forward and pointed a finger in Jack's face. "You are coming with us. If there really is a doppelganger of you, help us defeat it."

Jack snorted. "If anyone gets to kill that dick it's me. I know where he'll be."

The siren crossed her arms. "Do you have any Eridium around this base?"

Jack sneered. "Still hooked eh Lilith?"

Zero poked him in the back with his broken sword. "Perhaps you should move."

"Ow!"

"Lead the way Jackie-poo." Axton said.

(Borderlands: Red VS Blue will return after these short messages)


	8. Eridium and the Portals that Use It

Chapter 8: Eridium and the Portals that Use It

Maya and Mordecai made the mistake of landing far away from their comrades on the other side of the compound. Maya had had enough of flying for the rest of her life. In fact, she nearly puked in their hiding spot.

"Dang," the hunter said sympathetically. "I wish I had some Tums on me. You look terrible."

She steadied herself. "Thanks, can we go now?"

They were going along a path behind the main Hyperion buildings and did not encounter any enemies.

"The others can capture Jack, we should look for Eridium." Maya suggested.

"But where the hell should we look? This base is a lot bigger than I thought."

"I saw some trucks parked by a garage on the other side. Maybe they used them to transport Eridium. Let's get over there."

They came to a narrow gap between two outbuildings and snuck through. They watched several loaders patrolling the yard while the auto turrets fired overhead. There were no more hiding places.

"How do you suggest we get across?" the siren mouthed. Mordecai studied the area. He happened to notice two large, empty cardboard boxes lying on the ground not far from him. One could easily cover an adult person. He grinned.

The doppelganger had ordered all loaders on patrol to have their systems set to high alert. This programming instructed the machines to shoot first and ask questions never. Even with their insidious scanners searching the grounds for signs of enemy survivors, the loaders failed to notice two boxes sliding slowly along the ground by the outer wall. When they were safely behind the parked vehicles, Maya threw off her disguise and stretched. "That was a terrible idea Mordecai!"

The hunter was whistling and inspecting the garage. "I'd like to see Lil top that one. Stealth master is my title!"

The card reader next to the door foiled him from getting it open. He kicked at the metal. "Shit, how do we get past this?"

Maya brushed past him. "Let me try." She went up to the door and simply knocked. A few moment later it began to rumble upwards and a Hyperion engineer poked his head out from under it. "What? I was having a lunch bre-"

She Phase-locked him and knocked him over the head with the butt of her gun. Then, pulling a clearance card from his front pocket, she slid it through the reader and the garage door finished sliding up on well-greased tracks.

The first thing the two saw was a large storage unit at the back of the room. Shelves upon shelves of pure Eridium bars cut into manageable chunks just waiting for someone to take them. The second thing they noticed was a strange vehicle parked in the far corner with a tarp thrown over it.

* * *

It was very awkward walking through a Hyperion base with Handsome Jack himself. He and the vault hunters kept sneaking glances at each other, then looking away in mock disinterest. It went on like this for several minutes, until Zero-who was in the rear, broke his normally stoic silence and blurted. "This is taking a very long time!"

Everyone looked back at him.

Jack coughed. "Relax we're almost there…I think."

They resumed silence for another few minutes, listening to the sounds of the battle outside. Then it was Jack's turn to say something obvious. "So…this is awkward. Or is it just me?"

Axton grimaced, "You can shut up anytime man."

The CEO threw up his hands. "Sheesh okay, I'll go get my lips stapled together. Will that make you happy?"

"Really do it and I'll be your best friend." Lilith muttered.

"Oh come on. You know you people are sure being dick-wads after I came all that way to bail you out of prison personally."

Lilith scowled at him. "What are you talking about?"

"How can you not remember? Maybe you are not as smart as I thought you were. You know, that time with the resort and the robots and that sour faced lawyer?"

The siren sighed. "Yes I remember now. But I was being a considerate character and playing dumb because people might not have read that story…hint hint."

"Fine that makes sense for once."

They were outside of his office. Jack snapped his fingers. "Ha! Here we are. As soon as I get this door hacked I'll go in first and do a little swagger and then you guys can slink-"

Zero's broken sword penetrated the door like a knife through warm cheese and sliced a neat hole large enough to walk through. The two pieces of metal crashed to the floor. Axton and Lilith stormed through with Jack on their heels. "You ruined my entrance! You trashed it! No wonder I hate you guys so much!"

There were two loaders standing to attention on the other side of the doors. Axton and Lilith destroyed them with a complicated combo attack of 'you kick and punch while I shoot'. It was highly effective. The doppelganger jumped up from his chair and slammed his hands down on the desk. "What the hell now?"

He gawked at his fallen guards and the three people marching towards him. Handsome Jack pushed past Lilith and Axton in attempt to get there first, cracking his knuckles.

"Oh no, you're all mine to torture you- nacho box!"

Jack went sprawling across the shiny floor with his foot caught in a sticky take out container. Various curses and growls floated up from the linoleum. Axton could help but grin widely.

The doppelganger used the distraction to his advantage. He ran for a side door.

"Stop that purple freak!" Jack roared from the floor. Before the doppelganger even touched the switch, Zero laid him out in a daze with the flat of his sword. He tested the broken edge with a finger and nodded approvingly. "One Handsome Jack down/and add a doppelganger/I may retire."

"Zero takes the cake again." Lilith said.

Jack ran to his stunned double to do a victory dance. "In your face you sad-ass poser!"

Axton waved his gun at him and Jack held up his hands. "Huh, crap."

The doppelganger sounded like he was groaning, but in truth he was laughing manically. "You think you've won Jack? I outsmarted you in the end. I had explosives planted all throughout this base just in case you double-crossed me. If they blow, it will destroy the only source of Eridium in this whole region. If that Eridium goes bye-bye then you will never get back to your home dimension!"

He broke off into an insane fit of laughter that made even Jack cringe. He wagged his head at the vault hunters. "Please don't tell me I sound like this when I send you those echo-net troll messages."

"Give it up," Axton said to the clone. "You've lost. No need to make things harder on yourself." The doppelganger gave him the finger and pressed a button on his wrist before they could stop him.

"Too late! Oh and Jack, your hairstyle makes you look fat."

Jack kicked him furiously until Lilith restrained him. "You take that back!"

Axton inspected the device on the doppelganger's wrist. A timer had begun counting down from five minutes.

"Shit, we need to get going!"

"You can't disarm it?" Lilith asked.  
"I'm a commando, not a demolitions expert!"

"Isn't that all the same thing?"

"The Eridium/how else will we get back home? /we will be trapped here!" Zero exclaimed.

"There's Eridium in the garage!" Jack said suddenly. "Maybe we can grab a few bars!"

They left the doppelganger beaten and bruised and followed Jack back to the main entrance. Several of the auto turrets were destroyed and the others were firing only sporadically. Outside, it sounded like a hailstorm. Someone was directing all of their fire at the gate. Without warning, the yard loaders swarmed in and Axton, Lilith, Zero and Jack found themselves surrounded by a circle of hostile robots with the clock ticking down.

Jack sighed. "I really, really, really don't want to die with you guys."

Across the way, there was the growl of an engine. Everyone turned to look at the garage. Two headlights appeared out of the darkness and a contraption rolled out. Mini-EPIC really was quite an impressive invention. Essentially a bandit technical chassis reinforced for maximum support. Someone had cut out the passenger seat and replaced it with a cannon barrel that extended the entire length of the vehicle. The turret controls now controlled the new weapon attachment. Mordecai was in the driver's seat and Maya was riding on the runner board.

"Hey, that's my Eridium-Powered-Infused-Cannon!" Jack protested.

"Ahoy there, hang on!" Mordecai called. He revved the engine and with a squealing of rubber, he gunned for the loaders. The heavy vehicle bulldozed the confused robots into a large pile of broken metal. Mini-EPIC halted beside the group.

"You fellas need a lift?" Maya asked, hoping down.

"Wait," Axton said urgently. "We have to get Eridium bars. This place is going to explode in a few minutes!"

"We found the Eridium. It's all loaded in the back." She explained. "We can go now!"

Everyone climbed aboard and Mordecai looked darkly at Jack. "The hell is he doing here?"

"Save it for later Mordecai." Axton rebuked.

"Alright, alright we'll get out of the deathtrap first." The hunter pressed the gas. Mini-EPIC rumbled towards the main gate picking up speed as it went. Jack attempted to shout the voice-activated password, but the truck smashed right through the damaged steel without slowing and he exhaled in annoyance.

From his position behind the rock wall, Major raised his head up to see what the commotion was.

"Hold your fire boys, their coming back!"

No sooner had Mini-EPIC exited the compound, then it exploded in such a fiery blast that the Major's helmet flew off his head. Flames and pieces of wreckage erupted into the sky, accompanied by so much destruction and annihilation that even Michael Bay would be proud.

The infiltration team made it safely to their friends. Krieg ran out happily and snatched Maya up in a bear hug. Black soot from the blast covered her from head to toe but he didn't seem to notice. The raiders cheered and Axton was beaming. Mordecai and Brick performed their ultra secret victory handshake and Zero stretched his neck with a sigh of satisfaction, patting his broken sword. Captain Captain and his men greeted Lilith and took charge of restraining Handsome Jack who protested loudly. "Hey come on! I helped you beat my double didn't I? And I let you borrow my truck. Don't I get some credit?"

Lilith smiled. She felt her echo-device beep and she grabbed it. "Are you there Tannis?"

The radio crackled. Someone with a southern accent was hollering in the background and there was a loud crash. Tannis shouted something unintelligible. Gaige got on cheerfully. **_"Hi guys! Did you find any Eridium yet?"_**

"Gaige," Lilith asked anxiously. "Why does it sound like Tannis is murdering Scooter?"

 ** _"Probably because she's trying to; I guess he came out of his shop for a snack and she ambushed him. Yeah she's still pissed about the sandwich thing."_**

"We found Eridium. We also found a machine. Looks like Handsome Jack built himself a mini version of our cannon."

 ** _"You did? Sweet! Then you can come home now. Let me get Tannis in here to fire everything up."_**

Gaige called for the archaeologist. Several seconds later, Tannis got on the line, breathless from chasing the mechanic. **_"Yes what is it?"_**

"Good to hear from you too Tannis," Axton said, grinning. "Can we come home now?"

 ** _"Oh, I am surprised to hear you found a suitable beacon so quickly. Allow me to get everything ready. I will contact you when it is time. COME BACK HERE YOU WRENCH WIELDING MONKEY!"_**

More commotions and then Gaige was back. **_"I can't wait to see you guys. Is Zero there? He'd better be."_**

"Can't wait to see you," The assassin said.

 ** _"ZERO! I just want to hug and kiss you for days! Well I have to go help Tannis. See you in a bit!"_**

"I guess all that's left to do is pick up Moxxi and Zed and get out of here." Axton said.

* * *

Everyone gathered in the middle of Bloodless Gulch. All the raiders from the teams were there with the vault hunters as well as Zed, Moxxi and Handsome Jack. It was a sad event. The vault hunters were saying goodbye to Major, Captain Captain, and all their men for the last time.

"So you're sure you don't want to come back with us?" Lilith asked one more time. "The Crimson Raiders could really use you guys."

Major shook his head. "It's a mighty fine offer, but now that Jack and Hyperion are gone this place is just brimming with opportunity. Me and Captain here are thinking of starting a brand new faction, the biggest and most bad ass military on the whole damn planet!"

"Sounds fearsome," Maya said. "What will you call it?"

Captain scratched his head. "Hm, actually we haven't thought that far ahead."

Brick clapped them both on the shoulder heartily enough that the men winced. "I'm sure you'll think of something. Thanks for a good time." He strode away to climb aboard Mini-EPIC, parked and waiting by the Fast Travel Station.

"Thanks for your help," Axton said, shaking their hands. "We couldn't have pulled this off without it."

"We will miss you," Major said, looking warmly at Lilith.

"It was good while it lasted," Captain added, gazing at Maya who rubbed her neck in embarrassment.

"You guys won't start killing each other after we leave right?" Lilith admonished. "Play video games, that's how I get my frustrations out."

"Except you usually lose and rage a bit." Axton said merrily. She growled at him good-naturedly. "You want to go see who has a higher score on Nazi Zombies? I'm pretty sure it's me."

"Yeah right, another late-night Call of Duty-fest it is."

"I think I'll miss this place." Zed commented, "kinda peaceful really."

"I wish I could take a vacation here now and then." Moxxi agreed.

Someone's echo-device was beeping.

"It's you Lil," Mordecai said.

She opened it, "ready Tannis?"

 ** _"Yes! Everything is finally ready. The preparations have been prepared and the conditions are satisfied! But I had a new thought just now and I have decided not to bring you back."_**

Everyone gasped in shock.

"Tannis," Lilith said rigidly. "We really are not in the mood for jokes right now."

 ** _"Oh but this is no joke. I along with Gaige and Salvador have decided to leave you to your fate and declare Sanctuary for ourselves. It really is a brilliant scheme."_**

The group was stunned; Tannis had betrayed them!

"What the hell is she doing?" Axton exclaimed in confusion.

Then Gaige said. **_"Aw come on Tannis don't be mean. Tell them it's ready already. Salvador is waiting to fire EPIC up."_**

 ** _"And my joke was going so smoothly…very well, standby vault hunters…"_**

"Who knew Patricia Tannis had a sense of humor." Mordecai said gloomily.

"Yeah, a twisted one," Maya agreed, breathing out a sigh of relief.

"Look at that!" One of the raiders exclaimed, pointing to the Fast Travel Station. A spinning portal of dark purple energy had opened up behind it. It was large enough to swallow a vehicle and swirling furiously. The Eridium bars in the back of Mini-Epic were glowing.

"It looks like that's our cue guys," Axton said.

Seven vault hunters, one medical doctor (unlicensed), one foxy bartender, and one defeated villain. How they managed to all squeeze onto the truck is anyone's guess. In the end, everyone was aboard and Axton took the wheel. He backed up and drove straight into the portal. Major, Captain Captain and the other raiders saluted and waved after them. Mini-Epic picked up speed, its engine straining under the extra weight. Axton threw out the clutch and pressed the pedal to the floor. "Hang on!"

Into the spinning center of the gateway they went and disappeared in a flash of blinding light.

* * *

"Where are they? They should have arrived by now!" Gaige was pacing anxiously back and forth across the length of the city square. Salvador stood with his thick arms crossed and his foot tapping impatiently.

"Yeah, it's been awhile."

Tannis screwed up her eyes in irritation. "How many times must I stress that I CANNOT make teleportation go ANY faster! They will get here when they get here!" She reminded herself that she really must find a new line of work with fewer _Homo sapiens_.

They stood beside EPIC for a few more minutes in uncomfortable silence. A few of the townspeople were present as well. Only those who were brave enough to come within twenty feet of the machine.

Salvador's ears perked up and he said. "Hey, you hear something?"

"I don't hear anything," Gaige scratched her ear. "I just hope they didn't get lost on the inner dimensional plane!"

"No I really hear something. It sounds kinda like a dying rak…" Salvador looked up and his eyes went wide.

Gaige did the same. "What are you looking at Sal? Whoa!"

A burst of purple energy swept through Sanctuary like a gust of harsh wind.

Mini-Epic dropped down and landed with a crash on top of the cannon. It slid down the metal frame like the roller coaster from hell, screeching heinously and shooting out sparks. It finally slid to a stop with its entire accompaniment of passengers, right at Patricia Tannis's feet. The archaeologist blinked several times, coughed once and rearranged her goggles on her forehead.

"Well, welcome back, please clean this mess up so I can get back to my real research." She turned and stalked off towards the HQ.

Gaige and Salvador came running over. Around them, the original crimson raiders were picking themselves up off the ground and looking around in a daze.

"Oh man it worked!" The mechromancer squealed in delight. She dragged a stunned Zero out of his seat and crushed him into her chest. "Yay! You came back in one piece."

Salvador helped everyone climbed out of the battered vehicle. "Are you guys okay?"

Lilith's hair was badly frazzled and she ran a shaky hand through it. "Why was the trip back so much worse?"

Axton rubbed his face. "I'm done with goddamn portals, forever."

When Maya had exited, she ran to the nearest dumpster and lost her lunch, proving for the last time that she did not do well with flying.

Mad Moxxi and Zed were so dizzy that they had to sit down on a bench or risk falling over.

Mordecai however was unfazed. He stretched his legs and went briskly to the rear of the truck. "Well, well Jack how does it feel to be…" He squinted. "Where the hell did Jack go?"

Handsome Jack was nowhere to be found. In fact, he had disappeared the moment they reentered Pandora. Apparently, through a strange irregularity in the portal he had not teleported to Sanctuary, but instead landed on his own desk in his office aboard Helios. He had forgotten about the open containers of Chinese takeout he had left on it. Without stopping to clean the seat of his pants, the CEO got on his computer and sent a message.

"Well hell, he's gone." Axton said grimly. He punched the hood and winced. Lilith patted his shoulder. "Don't worry cowboy, we'll get him next time."

"Holy shit he's sending us a message right now!" Gaige announced. She pressed a few buttons on her echo-device. "Listen!"

 ** _"Hey vault hunters, looks like handsome old me won't be meeting a wretched fate at the hands of you lowlifes. But hey, it was fun kiddos. Btw, thanks for helping me kick other me's ass. All right, I'm going to get back to plotting how I'm gonna torture and kill you all._**

 ** _Later,_**

 ** _P.S. Does my hair really make me look fat?_**

"I hate that guy," Brick said.

"Me too," Axton said. He rubbed his neck. "Well I don't know about the rest of you but I need a cold beer ASAP. Moxxi, open the bar will you?"

Everyone followed the commando towards Moxxi's place, everyone except for Krieg. The giant was thinking very hard, trying to get his crazed thoughts into words. There was someone everyone seemed to have forgotten. Finally, he knew what he wanted to say.

"WHERE IS MR. BUSHY BEARD AND HIS GUNS?"

The townspeople looked at the psycho in puzzlement. Krieg shrugged and followed his friends, forgetting what he had been trying so hard to say.

* * *

Back in the purple parallel, it was getting into the evening time and darkness was beginning to fall. The skags were getting ready to come out and hunt for fresh meat.

Marcus Kincaid trudged doggedly through a particularly thick area of foliage, growling when a branch swung back and hit him in the nose. He was sweaty, dirty, tired and more importantly, out of money and guns. "Stupid raiders, think they can swindle me out of swindling them! I'll show them! I'll go sell to their foes eh?"

Sometime later, he staggered out of the forest into the Blue Raider camp and demanded to speak to Captain Captain. Captain was shocked when he saw the grimy merchant. "What are you still doing here?"

Marcus scowled. "What the hell are you talking about? What have those useless vault hunters been up to?"

Captain pointed slowly up. "Going home,"

Marcus's jaw dropped. "WHAT ABOUT ME!"

The End


End file.
